The Thing I Forgot...

Back in 2009 we had the one year anniversary of Monkey being seizure free. I had been praying for that for a long time and I had gotten my answer! She was seizure free and I was so excited! It was time to begin praying a new prayer. I asked several people to join with me in praying for help with Monkey’s behavior so I could take her onto the mission field. Funny thing happened when we began to pray for that, the behavior got worse, the more we prayed the worse it got. Right here I’m going to skip ahead, too much to get into in one post and today I’m skipping ahead past the part where God set Monkey free. God did set Monkey free and it was a miraculous event that no one could deny, she was completely delivered! She became a child who has joy and a sweet spirit; she still has her days but nothing like before!

Skip ahead to 2010, we lost our daycare, Monkey is staying home with me and her behavior is improving on a daily basis! I took her with me to a Prayer Retreat that was wonderful Friday through Sunday event and she had a splendid time! This was something I would never imagined we could do together. I took her to a party and she did great! She was allowed to go play with the other children without me stressing would she throw something and have a fit. What a relief that was!

So I was just enjoying the wonderful behavior and thinking about what the changes in our lives would mean when all of a sudden I remembered something I had totally forgotten! Back in 2009 the whole reason I had asked for God to help with Monkey’s behavior was to be able to take her on the mission field. How could I lose sight of that fact? I became so caught up in my own agenda, working, having a prayer meeting at work, buying things, serving in the local church, singing, and just kind of living my life without really thinking about what God’s plan was for not just my life but Monkey’s life as well.

I didn’t stop to ask God what He was planning and instead I just did my own thing and asked Him to bless it. How can that be pleasing to God? I’ve asked God to forgive me for this. I have been reminded of the promise I made to Him and have been reminded of the greatness of His unfailing love. I’m thankful for His compassion and longsuffering. My tears have flowed freely during this time but God in His mercy has looked down from Heaven and He sees. He is the God who sees. We will walk through any door God opens; we will wait on Him and expect great things! The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, who search for Him.

A New Purpose

If you had asked me 6 months ago I would have been pretty certain what my purpose in life was and I could have told you, it was to touch the world for Jesus Christ, still is, but mainly through my job. Now my job is hanging by a tenuous thread it is time to redefine what I thought 6 months ago. Yesterday I wrote about my injury and loss of child care. Today I examine how it has totally changed not just my job situation; it has changed my heart and my life.

So began the journey of searching for another provider. Many of you know that Monkey doesn’t do well with change, which said, I was concerned how this would affect her. Surprisingly, being home with me didn’t seem to bother her. I assumed she would miss Ms. Cinny so much I wouldn’t be adequate to make her feel secure. I was wrong.

I thought it would be relatively simple to find a child care provider for a special needs child for before and after care and the occasional day off from school. I placed ads. Paper ads, internet ads, checked through disability resources, called daycare centers, interviewed over 13 women. We tried out a few and none worked out! Can you believe it? I’ve exhausted the resources here in our county. And since Monkey has alternate placement with school she MUST be picked up in our county to be eligible for placement to continue. Not to mention the “occasional” day off from school has turned into more frequent than occasional due to illnesses, school closings, snow days, and her 1-1 needing time off. I thought it would be simple to find someone who could care for my monkey. I was wrong.

This was a very frightening prospect, I struggled against it! I fought tooth and nail! I was determined to hold on to my job! Days rolled into weeks, weeks rolled into months and I was released from Worker’s Comp to return to light duty. As Ron White says, “I had the right to remain silent but I lacked the ability.” I had the right to return to work but I lacked the ability. But then one night as I prayed the perfect peace of God came upon me and I stopped struggling.

I spoke to people in Human Resources. I’m applying for FMLA, 12 wks of unpaid leave to care for my chronically sick child. But that doesn’t really change my dilemma.  After 12 weeks I may not have a child care provider. Honestly, as hard as I’ve looked, as much as I’ve prayed, as much as I’ve pleaded and begged, I don’t see myself going back to work short of a miracle.

Speaking of miracles, I know I have told you I love my job! Here is the miracle; I’m having my heart changed about staying home with Monkey. It isn’t what I would have chosen. I must face the facts even though it’s painful to admit; it’s easier to let someone else deal with the behavioral problems and the day to day issues that arise with Monkey. Work was my escape, work was my excuse, and work was how I defined myself. Take away work and what do I have left? Who am I?

These are the questions I will be facing in the very near future. I believe this is what God wants me to work on right now.  He wants me to find myself in Him, to be hidden under the shadow of His wing, taking Monkey under the shadow of the wings of my Father with me and teaching her about Jesus and His love. No longer will I delegate that responsibility.  I have a new purpose. I'm exploring options that previously were not open to me, looking in places that were once off limits because I couldn't get off work. There are doors that will open, there are paths to be taken, and this is a great adventure!

What if...

I'm sorry for my absence here, I believe the next few posts will explain why I have been gone...

What if God’s plan for your life was different than yours? What if it were so radically different you had never even conceived of the idea? What if it required for you to lay down everything that you thought would make you happy and content? What if it removed everything familiar and caused you to rely only on Him, not just saying it but really walking it out? Would you be open to this plan?

I’ve worked my entire life, started working as a teenager and have never been unemployed. The job I’m in now I’ve had for 17 years and 10 months.  I enjoy my work; I find pleasure in it and am completely fulfilled there. The people I work with are wonderful and seem like family to me. The veterans I serve are a blessing and it feels good to give back to them. So, if you are anything like me, you may wonder how this might not be God’s will for my life. I know I’ve done a lot of questioning and praying and pleading and crying and well, you get the picture.

But in October of 2010 I was hurt on the job, surgery was in November 2010 and the week after the surgery we lost our daycare provider that Monkey has been with since she was 15 months old. She’s the only other person on this earth I trust with her, she was the one who was with us through all the seizures, medicines, surgeries and diets. I love this woman as surely as I love my sister. She feels like my sister. She treats Monkey as her own. I grieved. They moved away, 2 states away. Thankfully, I was still out on Worker Comp, surely I could find someone else.

This proved a bit more difficult than I imagined. I’ve found on occasion God will close doors to keep us in places we would rather not be.