2018 A Year Of...

What is God speaking about for 2018? As I pray and seek, there are several things that continue and return to the forefront of my mind. I used to pick one word as the defining "Word of the Year" but this year is different. Last year was the "Year of Restoration". That word was spot on because God has restored so much to my life and most importantly, the joy of my salvation. 

This year, however, there are several different words.

• Suddenly! This will be a year of suddenly. Things long awaited will suddenly come to pass, and though we see them that way, they are things long awaited. This year will bring to pass many things long awaited because it is their appointed time. 
• Exposure The definition of the exposure is "the revelation of an identity or fact, especially one that is concealed". This can be both good or bad, depending on what mask you are hiding behind. 
• Expectation! What are you expecting? What we receive is dependent upon what we are expecting. I, for one, don't want my experiences with God capped by my own inability to come into agreement with what God is wanting to do. 
• Shift! It's a year to shift thinking and come into unparalleled faith. Faith isn't something you try to have. Faith is something you express in the face of what is unseen. If you need proof before you can express faith, well, that is not faith at all. As I shift thinking and come into deeper faith I felt God saying I will receive what I partake of. If I partake in negative thinking I will eat of that fruit. But if I partake in thinking like Heaven, keeping my eye single and watching only Him and what He's doing, then I will eat of that fruit. I am full of hope and great expectation!

What are YOU believing for in 2018? 

Be Enthroned

I read an article today posted by my pastor about a man who had a date with a prostitute and it reminded me of a young woman I once met. I pasted a link in the comment section of a blog post I wrote about it. All it took was a word of encouragement and I remembered how good it felt when I used to write semi-regularly.  

I’ve not walked away from God but I did walk away from writing; which I believe was something He called me to do.

And so I begin anew. The past few years have been a real experience. A lot of ups and downs.

I’ll start where I left off. 2013. I’d been found by Selah. Our families stretched to include many new extended relations. People whom I’m very pleased to say are a beautiful part of my life. We took a trip down to visit my family in MS which was memorable! We did a lot of fun things and I’m grateful for the time we’ve had to spend together. In the past few years, we’ve gotten to know each other. And I’m thankful to say that through good times and bad, we’re really family; and that isn’t something that will ever change.

I’m quite proud of my son. He’s navigated some very difficult water in the past few years. But his is a story of courage, redemption and the amazing love of our Savior. And that is a story that I hope he’s okay with me sharing one day. But for now, I’ll say that my boy is serving God and I’m so blessed by him.

And then…my Goliath.  Monkey died last year. July 3, 2016, she received a call from her Father in Heaven; and she answered…no doubt skipping and singing all the way! I miss her. It’s been the worst year of my life. But God is faithful. He used her in such a HUGE way and He still is. And that is a lot of what this will be. Me working through my grief.

I work through my grief in worship. He is worthy. He is Lord of all. And yet, I question the plans. I question the pain. The answer I keep receiving is that He is worthy and is to be enthroned upon our praises. So in my pain, I praise Him. I will tell everyone that He is the only one who is worthy.

Welcome to my personal journal. Here you will find my dreams, my thoughts, my prayers. I hope that you will join me as I pursue God.

"I love all who love me. Those who search will surely find me.”

Proverbs 8:17 NLT

First Sight

How do I begin writing this? I am truly struggling to put into words the emotions that have bubbled up during the past month. I want to be careful too, because this child, no, this woman, has a family who loves her and could be affected by my words. I wish to cause them no pain. For privacy reasons I don’t name family members in this blog and I don’t want to call her Becca Christine because that isn’t her name either. Her family gave her a beautiful name and I don’t want them to think I am being disrespectful calling her by the name I gave her, so I think I’ll call her Selah, because it means reflection and praise. I’ve reflected on her and the decision I made for the past 25 years and I give praise to God for honoring my prayers and allowing us to be reunited. We’ll refer to her husband as Chef because he’s an extraordinarily talented cook. With that out of the way I will attempt to convey to you the gamut of emotions that ensued when Monkey and I trekked south to Alabama.

First Sight

In the blink of an eye life can change. There are defining moments in our lives. Driving to Alabama to meet the daughter I put up for adoption was a time of reflection for me.  All the things in my life that I would have done differently if given the chance flooded my mind and there they were, in my face. I find it amazing how one minute I could be a fairly self confident 40 something woman, mom, wife, and business owner, then the next I’m a teenager facing the mistakes I’ve fought hard to put into my past. The past is a funny thing; it’s always there to remind you of where you come from and who you were. It also is the thing that shapes us into the people we become. One of my defining moments occurred 25 years ago when, as a child myself, I chose to give Selah life. One month ago to the day was another defining moment, Selah chose to find me and we connected.

My eyes were filled with tears when we pulled in the driveway and I saw a mass of blonde curls on a slim frame rush in front of my car. I couldn’t make out her face through the tears but she ran straight into my arms when I got out of the car and I didn’t need to see her, I was holding her and it was miraculous. The baby with a creamy pale complexion, hair so fair it was almost invisible and rose bud lips is now this beautiful woman in my arms. The last time I held her she was only 2 days old but I remember the weight of her in my arms. I will also remember the feel of her in my arms as a 25 year old woman. I can feel her lovely head on my shoulder, I can run my fingers through the soft, curly hair, I can kiss her face. I remember the anguish when I handed her over as an infant, this was a stark contrast, this was pure bliss.

At this point Monkey is banging on the door to get out! She wants in on the hugs and I don’t blame her one little bit! There is an amazing new son in law, Chef, as well. There were lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of tears. It was a night I’ll never forget. We unloaded the car and went inside. There were gifts for Monkey, she was in heaven! A stuffed monkey, coloring books, crayons, a shirt from the local university, it was right up her alley! Monkey loved Selah and Chef from the moment we met them. I loved them long before we pulled in that driveway and we felt right at home, comfortable and loved. It was very good.

Monkey was pretty wiped after being on the road all day (she doesn’t sleep in the car) so she went to bed. Selah, Chef and I sat in the living room and she gave me a beautiful book. It is something I will cherish for all of my days. It is a pictorial of her life. From baby to beautiful woman, it documents her life. I’m relieved to hear it has been such a good life. She told me stories that go with the photos. I wish I could have recorded every word she said because it was all so overwhelming I feel there were things I missed.  It was a remarkable experience sitting on the couch with her and listening to her and Chef recall memories to share with me. I could imagine Heaven smiling down upon this reunion. We talked until after 3am. When I laid down I cried myself to sleep out of gratitude to Jesus for allowing me to be a part of her life. I am overwhelmed at the love and kindness Selah and Chef extended to Monkey and me. 

For me, it seemed like a blink of an eye and the lovely baby with her rose bud mouthed grew into an astonishing woman but that is because I wasn’t the one who kissed her boo boo’s, held her while she was sick or did all the things her mother did. I am thankful for her family who will always be her family, even though she found me. She has a loving, close knit family and I’m so happy for the relationships she has with them. I am thankful that they have made room for me in their family too. God is good. She has two mothers who love her and I have a whole new set of friends. My cup overflows…

A New Beginning...

This is the 4th installment of a series I'm writing about being found by the child I placed for adoption. If you missed the previous entries you can check them out here, Entry One, Entry Two and Entry Three.

As we talk on the phone and text I see the similarities between us. There is no mistaking it, she is my daughter. We share more than just hair color and fair skin, we are alike in so many ways it floors me. She is amazing in every way to me. I feel like I’ve known her all along which is strange because we’re just getting to know each other and there is much about her I’ve yet to discover. I wonder if she feels the same about me?

From the very beginning when she found me she expressed an interest in meeting in person. I am so relieved by this. For years when I would daydream about what it would be like to be found I had the fear that it would only be to find out what her medical history was and that would be all. When she actually did find me the reality of it was something I never dared to let myself imagine. She wants us to be a part of her life. She wants to be part of our lives. Sometimes I can’t believe how incredibly blessed I am. This feels like a miracle.

We have planned a trip to meet not only her and her husband, but the wonderful people who raised her. How amazing is that? Such love and selflessness has surrounded this child as she grew, I can hardly wait to meet the people who raised her. They must be amazing too. In 8 days, just slightly over a week, Monkey and I will load up and drive down to see her! The anticipation I feel is so intense sometimes I find myself just tapping my foot anxiously as if that will speed up time. This is not just a trip, it's the beginning of a journey she and I will take together.

And while there is the anticipation and joy, I'm a little nervous about it as well. I pray that she will like me. I pray that Monkey will do well on the trip. I pray that any fear and nervousness felt on the part of her and her family will be eased. I pray...

This is a new beginning…

Contact...

This blog entry is part 3 of a series. If you missed Part One or Part Two you can check them out so this makes sense.

 

It was a normal Friday in January. I was just working. Little did I know my entire life was about to change.The email was hidden among tons of spam in an account I rarely used. I was checking for a shipping notice. There it was. My breath caught. My heart skipped a LOT of beats. I burst into tears. Her name was in the subject line. When I opened it I read the following…

Hello,

I was born Becca Christine ___ in ___ 1987 in _____ AL. I am doing research on my family history. The name Margie Ann ___ has come up in some records. I am curious if you may be able to provide me with any information. If you can help me in any way, I would love to hear from you. If not, please disregard this email, and I apologize for taking your time. Thank you.

___

The first thing I did was check my clock. It was 12:11pm.  This was in the 12-12:30 window I have to call my husband at lunch, so I called him. We both cried. He asked what I had done and I said, “I called you!!!” We talked briefly and I replied to the email.

Hello _____

I would be happy to speak with you. My cell is ___-___-____. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ann

She called at 12:32pm. We talked for 2 hours. We cried, we laughed, and she told me she loved me. That is the thing. She loved me, she LOVES me.

My fears were washed away and I was filled with a peace I’ve never experienced before. This child I loved so dearly, completely, she loved me too. I’m so filled with gratitude to her parents. They told her that I loved her. The letter had been lost in a move but they made sure that she knew she was loved by me. They made certain she was secure in who she was and who she is in Christ. They did what I couldn’t; they raised her to be an amazing woman.

We’ve talked or texted every day since. I look forward to seeing her name on my phone. I look at her pictures and can hardly believe it’s real. It’s like a dream I’m having that is so good I’m afraid I’ll wake up and find it was only a beautiful dream. But each morning I wake and she is still really a part of my life. I feel complete now. Have you ever had an ache or pain that was there for such a long time you become accustomed to it? Then the pain is suddenly gone and the relief is overwhelming. That is the only way I can describe this feeling. I walked around for 25 years with a hole in my heart and now it’s filled.

Good bye is not forever...

This is the second installment of the blogs I'm writing about the child I had as a teenager and put up for adoption. To read the first in the series you can follow this link.

When the day came for Becca Christine to make her grand debut it was bittersweet. The nurses weren’t exactly kind after they heard I was giving Becca Christine to another family. They discouraged me from holding her and didn’t want to even allow me to see her but knowing that my time with her was extremely short I soaked her in. This child was mine for a few days, I counted her fingers and toes the same way all moms do, I kept her with me as long as I could and I memorized her little face. The way she would suck her bottom lip in when she was ready for her bottle, the way she would yawn sleepily after she burped and was ready to nap, how impossibly  light blond her hair was, her eyebrows almost invisible from the fairness of them, the weight of her in my arms. Beautiful. Perfect. Heartbreaking. But much like Hannah had promised Samuel to God, I’d promised God to give Becca Christine to the family we’d chosen and trust that He would protect her. Words cannot describe the pain of saying goodbye to this child I loved so completely. I handed her to the social worker, wrapped in the blanket I made for her, along with the letter I wrote to her explaining why I did what I did and telling her I hoped one day she’d find me.

Soon after that I had to meet with her father to sign the papers. I hoped against hope that he would change his mind when I showed him her picture. But as I have come to learn in life, you don’t always get what you want. I never saw her father after that day. I have no idea what happened to him. He left town and no one ever heard from him again. I wonder if he hurt as badly as I did…I hope not. I loved him. This was about 6 weeks after she was born. Alabama gives the birth parents 6 weeks to change their mind. I went to court and finalized the adoption.

Utter despair set in. Although I knew that she was fine, she was loved, she would have everything I couldn’t give her, I felt guilt about it. Then I felt shame. When I went home no one wanted to talked about her. No one wanted to hear me speak of how perfect she was or how much I missed her. I was told that if I just put it out of my mind the pain would go away. They were wrong. The pain just shifted from a piercing sharp pain in my chest to a dull ache in my entire being. It didn’t go away. I did stop talking about her. But I never stopped thinking about her. I’d see a blond girl with a brunette mother and my heart would clench, was it her? I’ve lived that for 25 years. All the questions that resurfaced…Did she know she was adopted? Does she know how much I love her? Does she blame me as being selfish? Did she think I gave her up easily? Did she know I agonized over it?

The guilt and shame I felt for giving her up persisted. There is a stigma I suppose to giving one’s child to another to raise. I experienced it with some of the nurses at the hospital. It reinforced those feeling. Once at a conference I opened up to someone about giving her up for adoption. It wasn’t easy bearing my soul to anyone. I was trying to comfort this woman who couldn’t have children and reassure her that there are babies for her to love, don’t give up. She accused me of being selfish and a horrible excuse of a mother. I didn’t talk about it again for a very long time. Still, wherever I went I wondered about her, prayed for her, her mother and father, brother, the man she’d eventually marry, I wanted her to have all of God’s blessings on her life.

Over the years young women who find themselves “in trouble” have made their way to my doorstep. Strange how this happens since I was never really open about what happened with us. I always counsel them to consider this; their temporary “inconvenience” isn’t worth stealing the entire life from someone else. There is someone out there who shares my DNA that is prayerfully living a good life, blessing others, making a difference in this world because I chose to give her life. Even though ending that life would have been a “quick fix” for me, it would have ended someone’s entire future and I would never have the hope of a reunion one day. I’m so grateful to say that because of the road I’ve walked others have made a choice for life and there are some beautiful children out there who are living God’s plan for them. So, I’m thankful for the tears. They were the water that grew the seeds that developed into a small ministry for unwed mothers.

As the years went by and Becca Christine turned 18, 19, 20,  I thought I was prepared for the possibility that she might find me. I wouldn’t try to find her. I didn’t want to cause her any pain. But I wanted desperately to be found. I made sure that my entire maiden name was on my facebook account so I was easily located. It was on January 11, 2013 when I just happened to check the email for my fb account (I no longer use it because of all the spam). I hadn’t checked it for weeks. On the first page of the account there was message titled, Becca Christine…

Decisions

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story that is true; it is part of my story. I haven’t told many people about it because it is full of pain, guilt, tears and shame. It is also full of hope, sacrifice and love. I pray God uses this story to touch your heart in some way.

It was the most agonizing decision I had ever faced. The pregnancy test was positive. Instantly, I fell in love with this life living inside me but I was just a teenager. Things weren’t “ideal”. I didn’t know what to do so I went to tell my boyfriend the news. I’d hoped he’d be happy. I’d hoped, secretly, deep down that he would say, “Marry me.” And we’d get married, have this baby and live happily ever after. That didn’t happen. I was given a choice. Keep him or keep the life inside me. This is the story of the choices I made.

When I was just a little girl I had some bad things happen to me. I’ve written about that before. Here is the  link to that entry. It’s not really central to this story except to note that the person I wrote about lived not too far from my parents home so living there was not an option. I really didn’t have many options. I hadn’t finished my education so there were no means to support the child financially; I lived not far from a dangerous man that preyed on innocent children.  As the months passed, my stomach swelled, it became painfully clear a decision needed to be reached. This child, daughter they told me, deserved to be safe, happy, safe, loved, safe, provided for in ways I was unable to do, because in many ways I was still a child myself.

I began to pray for this girl, I called her Becca Christine, and I prayed for her to have the kind of life I had not had the opportunity to have. Not that my life is bad, in retrospect, I made poor choices, had some choices made for me, and still God has worked them out just like He promises in Romans 8:28. But the life that was growing inside me was special. I couldn’t take any chances that she’d become the victim of someone else’s selfishness. Including my own.

I came to the decision that what was best for her was to be given up for adoption. As I looked into the whole adoption process I realized choosing the family for my precious angel would be much harder than I imagined. So many of them, wonderful, young couples, desperate for a child, had no other children. And as I thought of my big sister who was my defender while growing up, my confidant, my best friend, a thought was formed inside me. Becca Christine would need a sibling. I didn’t want her to be lonely. I couldn’t imagine being an only child so I couldn’t imagine it for her.

I moved to Prattville, AL and enlisted the services of Agape, a Christian crisis pregnancy/adoption center. They helped me through the pregnancy and provided a place for me to stay. They were wonderful. Never pressuring me to choose either way, just there for me, praying for me and being supportive. They came to the home where I was staying and brought piles of folders. I looked through the stacks of prospective parents and they pretty much looked the same, until one popped out to me. They had a child already. A boy, 5 years old, and I felt a nudging from God that this was the family for her. She’d have a big brother. And from how I viewed things she wouldn’t be a practice child for a couple who’d never had one and she’d have a big brother to look out for her.  The decision was made. 

Looking back 25 years from where I stand today I have one emotion that stands out from the others. Thankfulness. I'm thankful for the good decision God led me to make. I'm thankful for the good family that raised my beautiful child. I'm thankful I survived the pain to be made whole.