Decisions

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story that is true; it is part of my story. I haven’t told many people about it because it is full of pain, guilt, tears and shame. It is also full of hope, sacrifice and love. I pray God uses this story to touch your heart in some way.

It was the most agonizing decision I had ever faced. The pregnancy test was positive. Instantly, I fell in love with this life living inside me but I was just a teenager. Things weren’t “ideal”. I didn’t know what to do so I went to tell my boyfriend the news. I’d hoped he’d be happy. I’d hoped, secretly, deep down that he would say, “Marry me.” And we’d get married, have this baby and live happily ever after. That didn’t happen. I was given a choice. Keep him or keep the life inside me. This is the story of the choices I made.

When I was just a little girl I had some bad things happen to me. I’ve written about that before. Here is the  link to that entry. It’s not really central to this story except to note that the person I wrote about lived not too far from my parents home so living there was not an option. I really didn’t have many options. I hadn’t finished my education so there were no means to support the child financially; I lived not far from a dangerous man that preyed on innocent children.  As the months passed, my stomach swelled, it became painfully clear a decision needed to be reached. This child, daughter they told me, deserved to be safe, happy, safe, loved, safe, provided for in ways I was unable to do, because in many ways I was still a child myself.

I began to pray for this girl, I called her Becca Christine, and I prayed for her to have the kind of life I had not had the opportunity to have. Not that my life is bad, in retrospect, I made poor choices, had some choices made for me, and still God has worked them out just like He promises in Romans 8:28. But the life that was growing inside me was special. I couldn’t take any chances that she’d become the victim of someone else’s selfishness. Including my own.

I came to the decision that what was best for her was to be given up for adoption. As I looked into the whole adoption process I realized choosing the family for my precious angel would be much harder than I imagined. So many of them, wonderful, young couples, desperate for a child, had no other children. And as I thought of my big sister who was my defender while growing up, my confidant, my best friend, a thought was formed inside me. Becca Christine would need a sibling. I didn’t want her to be lonely. I couldn’t imagine being an only child so I couldn’t imagine it for her.

I moved to Prattville, AL and enlisted the services of Agape, a Christian crisis pregnancy/adoption center. They helped me through the pregnancy and provided a place for me to stay. They were wonderful. Never pressuring me to choose either way, just there for me, praying for me and being supportive. They came to the home where I was staying and brought piles of folders. I looked through the stacks of prospective parents and they pretty much looked the same, until one popped out to me. They had a child already. A boy, 5 years old, and I felt a nudging from God that this was the family for her. She’d have a big brother. And from how I viewed things she wouldn’t be a practice child for a couple who’d never had one and she’d have a big brother to look out for her.  The decision was made. 

Looking back 25 years from where I stand today I have one emotion that stands out from the others. Thankfulness. I'm thankful for the good decision God led me to make. I'm thankful for the good family that raised my beautiful child. I'm thankful I survived the pain to be made whole.