First Sight

How do I begin writing this? I am truly struggling to put into words the emotions that have bubbled up during the past month. I want to be careful too, because this child, no, this woman, has a family who loves her and could be affected by my words. I wish to cause them no pain. For privacy reasons I don’t name family members in this blog and I don’t want to call her Becca Christine because that isn’t her name either. Her family gave her a beautiful name and I don’t want them to think I am being disrespectful calling her by the name I gave her, so I think I’ll call her Selah, because it means reflection and praise. I’ve reflected on her and the decision I made for the past 25 years and I give praise to God for honoring my prayers and allowing us to be reunited. We’ll refer to her husband as Chef because he’s an extraordinarily talented cook. With that out of the way I will attempt to convey to you the gamut of emotions that ensued when Monkey and I trekked south to Alabama.

First Sight

In the blink of an eye life can change. There are defining moments in our lives. Driving to Alabama to meet the daughter I put up for adoption was a time of reflection for me.  All the things in my life that I would have done differently if given the chance flooded my mind and there they were, in my face. I find it amazing how one minute I could be a fairly self confident 40 something woman, mom, wife, and business owner, then the next I’m a teenager facing the mistakes I’ve fought hard to put into my past. The past is a funny thing; it’s always there to remind you of where you come from and who you were. It also is the thing that shapes us into the people we become. One of my defining moments occurred 25 years ago when, as a child myself, I chose to give Selah life. One month ago to the day was another defining moment, Selah chose to find me and we connected.

My eyes were filled with tears when we pulled in the driveway and I saw a mass of blonde curls on a slim frame rush in front of my car. I couldn’t make out her face through the tears but she ran straight into my arms when I got out of the car and I didn’t need to see her, I was holding her and it was miraculous. The baby with a creamy pale complexion, hair so fair it was almost invisible and rose bud lips is now this beautiful woman in my arms. The last time I held her she was only 2 days old but I remember the weight of her in my arms. I will also remember the feel of her in my arms as a 25 year old woman. I can feel her lovely head on my shoulder, I can run my fingers through the soft, curly hair, I can kiss her face. I remember the anguish when I handed her over as an infant, this was a stark contrast, this was pure bliss.

At this point Monkey is banging on the door to get out! She wants in on the hugs and I don’t blame her one little bit! There is an amazing new son in law, Chef, as well. There were lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of tears. It was a night I’ll never forget. We unloaded the car and went inside. There were gifts for Monkey, she was in heaven! A stuffed monkey, coloring books, crayons, a shirt from the local university, it was right up her alley! Monkey loved Selah and Chef from the moment we met them. I loved them long before we pulled in that driveway and we felt right at home, comfortable and loved. It was very good.

Monkey was pretty wiped after being on the road all day (she doesn’t sleep in the car) so she went to bed. Selah, Chef and I sat in the living room and she gave me a beautiful book. It is something I will cherish for all of my days. It is a pictorial of her life. From baby to beautiful woman, it documents her life. I’m relieved to hear it has been such a good life. She told me stories that go with the photos. I wish I could have recorded every word she said because it was all so overwhelming I feel there were things I missed.  It was a remarkable experience sitting on the couch with her and listening to her and Chef recall memories to share with me. I could imagine Heaven smiling down upon this reunion. We talked until after 3am. When I laid down I cried myself to sleep out of gratitude to Jesus for allowing me to be a part of her life. I am overwhelmed at the love and kindness Selah and Chef extended to Monkey and me. 

For me, it seemed like a blink of an eye and the lovely baby with her rose bud mouthed grew into an astonishing woman but that is because I wasn’t the one who kissed her boo boo’s, held her while she was sick or did all the things her mother did. I am thankful for her family who will always be her family, even though she found me. She has a loving, close knit family and I’m so happy for the relationships she has with them. I am thankful that they have made room for me in their family too. God is good. She has two mothers who love her and I have a whole new set of friends. My cup overflows…