Good bye is not forever...

This is the second installment of the blogs I'm writing about the child I had as a teenager and put up for adoption. To read the first in the series you can follow this link.

When the day came for Becca Christine to make her grand debut it was bittersweet. The nurses weren’t exactly kind after they heard I was giving Becca Christine to another family. They discouraged me from holding her and didn’t want to even allow me to see her but knowing that my time with her was extremely short I soaked her in. This child was mine for a few days, I counted her fingers and toes the same way all moms do, I kept her with me as long as I could and I memorized her little face. The way she would suck her bottom lip in when she was ready for her bottle, the way she would yawn sleepily after she burped and was ready to nap, how impossibly  light blond her hair was, her eyebrows almost invisible from the fairness of them, the weight of her in my arms. Beautiful. Perfect. Heartbreaking. But much like Hannah had promised Samuel to God, I’d promised God to give Becca Christine to the family we’d chosen and trust that He would protect her. Words cannot describe the pain of saying goodbye to this child I loved so completely. I handed her to the social worker, wrapped in the blanket I made for her, along with the letter I wrote to her explaining why I did what I did and telling her I hoped one day she’d find me.

Soon after that I had to meet with her father to sign the papers. I hoped against hope that he would change his mind when I showed him her picture. But as I have come to learn in life, you don’t always get what you want. I never saw her father after that day. I have no idea what happened to him. He left town and no one ever heard from him again. I wonder if he hurt as badly as I did…I hope not. I loved him. This was about 6 weeks after she was born. Alabama gives the birth parents 6 weeks to change their mind. I went to court and finalized the adoption.

Utter despair set in. Although I knew that she was fine, she was loved, she would have everything I couldn’t give her, I felt guilt about it. Then I felt shame. When I went home no one wanted to talked about her. No one wanted to hear me speak of how perfect she was or how much I missed her. I was told that if I just put it out of my mind the pain would go away. They were wrong. The pain just shifted from a piercing sharp pain in my chest to a dull ache in my entire being. It didn’t go away. I did stop talking about her. But I never stopped thinking about her. I’d see a blond girl with a brunette mother and my heart would clench, was it her? I’ve lived that for 25 years. All the questions that resurfaced…Did she know she was adopted? Does she know how much I love her? Does she blame me as being selfish? Did she think I gave her up easily? Did she know I agonized over it?

The guilt and shame I felt for giving her up persisted. There is a stigma I suppose to giving one’s child to another to raise. I experienced it with some of the nurses at the hospital. It reinforced those feeling. Once at a conference I opened up to someone about giving her up for adoption. It wasn’t easy bearing my soul to anyone. I was trying to comfort this woman who couldn’t have children and reassure her that there are babies for her to love, don’t give up. She accused me of being selfish and a horrible excuse of a mother. I didn’t talk about it again for a very long time. Still, wherever I went I wondered about her, prayed for her, her mother and father, brother, the man she’d eventually marry, I wanted her to have all of God’s blessings on her life.

Over the years young women who find themselves “in trouble” have made their way to my doorstep. Strange how this happens since I was never really open about what happened with us. I always counsel them to consider this; their temporary “inconvenience” isn’t worth stealing the entire life from someone else. There is someone out there who shares my DNA that is prayerfully living a good life, blessing others, making a difference in this world because I chose to give her life. Even though ending that life would have been a “quick fix” for me, it would have ended someone’s entire future and I would never have the hope of a reunion one day. I’m so grateful to say that because of the road I’ve walked others have made a choice for life and there are some beautiful children out there who are living God’s plan for them. So, I’m thankful for the tears. They were the water that grew the seeds that developed into a small ministry for unwed mothers.

As the years went by and Becca Christine turned 18, 19, 20,  I thought I was prepared for the possibility that she might find me. I wouldn’t try to find her. I didn’t want to cause her any pain. But I wanted desperately to be found. I made sure that my entire maiden name was on my facebook account so I was easily located. It was on January 11, 2013 when I just happened to check the email for my fb account (I no longer use it because of all the spam). I hadn’t checked it for weeks. On the first page of the account there was message titled, Becca Christine…

Dress Rehearsal

This year, as most years, our Church is having an Easter Drama/Musical and it requires a lot of time. I accepted Jesus as my Savior on January 1, 1998 and the very first thing I ever participated in was an Easter Program. I was captivated! I loved working on the backgrounds with Mr. Rex, our Director’s father, I loved the music, and I loved the time spent with other Christians but most of all I loved pouring myself into something that would glorify Jesus and bring His time on this earth to life before people today and hopefully draw them into a relationship with Him. My first year Mr. Rex told me that there would be a lot of time spent in rehearsal. I had no idea the amount of time we would spend in rehearsal! The week before the performance we were there every night until 11 or 12 but then came the performances. They made it all worthwhile! Lives were changed, people were saved, Jesus was lifted up and His Word was brought to life before my eyes! “And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all unto me.” John 12:32

As we have been rehearsing for our program this year, music since January and drama for a few weeks, I was thinking about how much it can take out of a person if they don’t have a passion for it. The motivation behind the rehearsal, if it is to glorify ourselves we will weaken quickly. This is much like life. We are so easily worn down when we do things in our own strength but when we wait on the Lord we will rise up on wings like eagles!

The Dictionary defines Rehearsal as:

1.      To practice something before performing such as a play, speech or piece of music before performing it for the public.

2.      To train somebody for performance someone who is practicing before doing something especially before giving a public performance.

3.      To go over a list of items often reasons, complaints or troubles.

4.      To say something or repeat something such as a story.

Have you ever thought that perhaps we are rehearsing every day, not for a play that runs three days and then is over until next year; but for eternity? What we do here matters! When we rehearse love, peace, kindness and forgiveness then we are rehearsing something that is worthy of a public performance. Conversely we can rehearse hate, prejudice, pride and lies, these things belong on another stage altogether.

Let’s be very careful that we aren’t rehearsing definition number three (making excuses or giving reasons why we can’t do something). Monkey used to be my excuse for not doing things, “Oh, I can’t go there, I have Monkey today, I can’t do that because I have Monkey” but God has brought me to the place that I comprehended if I make excuses I will never do anything. I am fully aware that I have used her as an excuse in the past but no more! The time is coming quickly for the performance; each of us will appear on the stage soon! Considering the magnitude of the actual occasion we are preparing for, eternity, I know that I’ll be more attentive to what I’m allowing myself to imagine and perform in my life. After all, when we imagine our futures according to God’s possibilities and not our human limitations there is nothing that God is unable to do! "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26 KJV

The Bible tells us to guard our minds and to be careful what we think about, as a matter of fact there is a passage in Philippians that gives us the perfect thing to “rehearse”. If it doesn’t meet these criteria, it shouldn’t be in our dress rehearsal.  “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9

“Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life.” Proverbs 4:23 CEV

Now let’s get out there and break a leg!

Hallelujah Anyway!

I’m learning some valuable lessons in my life right now. As I face challenges with each new day I also am faced with a choice. I can choose to look at the challenge in the worst light possible, negatively and complain about how it inconveniences me (and oh to my embarrassment, I still choose this at times) or I can choose to look for the blessing within the challenge (this is my goal).

In my pursuit of transparency I will confess my failures to you. When faced with the issues of Monkey staying home from school because the 1-1 was sick I felt inconvenienced. How terrible for me to view my blessing of a child as a hassle. I have truly repented of that and since I did an amazing thing has occurred, her 1-1 actually quit with no notice but now instead this being an inconvenience it is an opportunity. I have the opportunity to spend about a month solid with my Monkey and we will ask God to help us be creative in finding ways to spend our time wisely.

Last year when I hurt my knee I was not a happy camper about needing surgery the day before Thanksgiving but it put me at home when I lost my daycare and that was a blessing!

We are having an Easter Play at our Church this year and it is going to be amazing! It requires a lot of commitment but it means so much to me to be able to portray a piece of history from the life of Jesus’ life it is worth the sacrifice. For my Lord, no sacrifice is too great. One of my dear friend’s husbands has been watching the children while we practice and it has been such a blessing knowing Monkey is playing and cared for right around the corner by an adult I can trust. This past Saturday, however, he had to work overtime. It is only three weeks till we perform so practice was not 9-12 it was 9-2! Five hours! But I have to say, God blessed me in such an amazing way, not only did Monkey sit nicely in her pew and play with her toys while we practiced, she listened and obeyed me. The other choir members were so kind and understanding with her and interactive with her speaking to her and making her feel welcome (not that they don’t ordinarily but it just was a special day).  I left my house praying for her behavior and asking for the people to be compassionate, I even posted it as a prayer request on Facebook. God certainly answered! Thank You Jesus! I had a choice to make when I got the text that there would be not child care for Monkey, I chose wisely and God honored that.

Not every day is filled with her being obedient! But that is okay, she’s learning and so am I. I believe that as I’m learning patience with her I’m also learning to be obedient to my Heavenly Father because I see how frustrating it can be when I give a simple command only to have it ignored. I don’t want to do that to the One who loves me so…I know I fail more than I would like but I’m pressing toward the mark.

Within every challenge there is a blessing, we just have to look for it. We can find joy in any situation; our joy comes from being thankful and from holding onto Jesus Christ, not our circumstances. Imagine how tossed about we would be if our joy depended anything other than Jesus Christ? Our lives would be like roller coasters; happy one moment, despondent the next; how incredibly sad to live like that. Jesus offers us more; Jesus offers us a life of joy within the sorrow.

“For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:  I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:11-13 NKJV

And so I say…Hallelujah Anyway!!!