First Sight

How do I begin writing this? I am truly struggling to put into words the emotions that have bubbled up during the past month. I want to be careful too, because this child, no, this woman, has a family who loves her and could be affected by my words. I wish to cause them no pain. For privacy reasons I don’t name family members in this blog and I don’t want to call her Becca Christine because that isn’t her name either. Her family gave her a beautiful name and I don’t want them to think I am being disrespectful calling her by the name I gave her, so I think I’ll call her Selah, because it means reflection and praise. I’ve reflected on her and the decision I made for the past 25 years and I give praise to God for honoring my prayers and allowing us to be reunited. We’ll refer to her husband as Chef because he’s an extraordinarily talented cook. With that out of the way I will attempt to convey to you the gamut of emotions that ensued when Monkey and I trekked south to Alabama.

First Sight

In the blink of an eye life can change. There are defining moments in our lives. Driving to Alabama to meet the daughter I put up for adoption was a time of reflection for me.  All the things in my life that I would have done differently if given the chance flooded my mind and there they were, in my face. I find it amazing how one minute I could be a fairly self confident 40 something woman, mom, wife, and business owner, then the next I’m a teenager facing the mistakes I’ve fought hard to put into my past. The past is a funny thing; it’s always there to remind you of where you come from and who you were. It also is the thing that shapes us into the people we become. One of my defining moments occurred 25 years ago when, as a child myself, I chose to give Selah life. One month ago to the day was another defining moment, Selah chose to find me and we connected.

My eyes were filled with tears when we pulled in the driveway and I saw a mass of blonde curls on a slim frame rush in front of my car. I couldn’t make out her face through the tears but she ran straight into my arms when I got out of the car and I didn’t need to see her, I was holding her and it was miraculous. The baby with a creamy pale complexion, hair so fair it was almost invisible and rose bud lips is now this beautiful woman in my arms. The last time I held her she was only 2 days old but I remember the weight of her in my arms. I will also remember the feel of her in my arms as a 25 year old woman. I can feel her lovely head on my shoulder, I can run my fingers through the soft, curly hair, I can kiss her face. I remember the anguish when I handed her over as an infant, this was a stark contrast, this was pure bliss.

At this point Monkey is banging on the door to get out! She wants in on the hugs and I don’t blame her one little bit! There is an amazing new son in law, Chef, as well. There were lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of tears. It was a night I’ll never forget. We unloaded the car and went inside. There were gifts for Monkey, she was in heaven! A stuffed monkey, coloring books, crayons, a shirt from the local university, it was right up her alley! Monkey loved Selah and Chef from the moment we met them. I loved them long before we pulled in that driveway and we felt right at home, comfortable and loved. It was very good.

Monkey was pretty wiped after being on the road all day (she doesn’t sleep in the car) so she went to bed. Selah, Chef and I sat in the living room and she gave me a beautiful book. It is something I will cherish for all of my days. It is a pictorial of her life. From baby to beautiful woman, it documents her life. I’m relieved to hear it has been such a good life. She told me stories that go with the photos. I wish I could have recorded every word she said because it was all so overwhelming I feel there were things I missed.  It was a remarkable experience sitting on the couch with her and listening to her and Chef recall memories to share with me. I could imagine Heaven smiling down upon this reunion. We talked until after 3am. When I laid down I cried myself to sleep out of gratitude to Jesus for allowing me to be a part of her life. I am overwhelmed at the love and kindness Selah and Chef extended to Monkey and me. 

For me, it seemed like a blink of an eye and the lovely baby with her rose bud mouthed grew into an astonishing woman but that is because I wasn’t the one who kissed her boo boo’s, held her while she was sick or did all the things her mother did. I am thankful for her family who will always be her family, even though she found me. She has a loving, close knit family and I’m so happy for the relationships she has with them. I am thankful that they have made room for me in their family too. God is good. She has two mothers who love her and I have a whole new set of friends. My cup overflows…

A New Beginning...

This is the 4th installment of a series I'm writing about being found by the child I placed for adoption. If you missed the previous entries you can check them out here, Entry One, Entry Two and Entry Three.

As we talk on the phone and text I see the similarities between us. There is no mistaking it, she is my daughter. We share more than just hair color and fair skin, we are alike in so many ways it floors me. She is amazing in every way to me. I feel like I’ve known her all along which is strange because we’re just getting to know each other and there is much about her I’ve yet to discover. I wonder if she feels the same about me?

From the very beginning when she found me she expressed an interest in meeting in person. I am so relieved by this. For years when I would daydream about what it would be like to be found I had the fear that it would only be to find out what her medical history was and that would be all. When she actually did find me the reality of it was something I never dared to let myself imagine. She wants us to be a part of her life. She wants to be part of our lives. Sometimes I can’t believe how incredibly blessed I am. This feels like a miracle.

We have planned a trip to meet not only her and her husband, but the wonderful people who raised her. How amazing is that? Such love and selflessness has surrounded this child as she grew, I can hardly wait to meet the people who raised her. They must be amazing too. In 8 days, just slightly over a week, Monkey and I will load up and drive down to see her! The anticipation I feel is so intense sometimes I find myself just tapping my foot anxiously as if that will speed up time. This is not just a trip, it's the beginning of a journey she and I will take together.

And while there is the anticipation and joy, I'm a little nervous about it as well. I pray that she will like me. I pray that Monkey will do well on the trip. I pray that any fear and nervousness felt on the part of her and her family will be eased. I pray...

This is a new beginning…

Monkey's Colorblind!

This weekend we took my dear husband to his brother’s house to catch ducks about an hour away from home. While we were there, Monkey and I needed to find something to occupy ourselves so we decided the best use of our time would be to go shopping. We found a store I used to frequent when I was a child in Mississippi growing up, Roses.

I loved Roses as a child; it seemed like a huge department store where we could afford everything! This Roses had tiny cramped isles, wasn’t much larger than a big Dollar Store and I realized it was probably about the same as the Roses of my youth J

Monkey, however, thought it was a marvelous store indeed! Worthy of spending at least an hour, perhaps more! Each isle brought new wonders and then we reached the toy isles. She oohed and aahed over all the toys. None were no-no’s because of price. Everything was within her reach! It was almost too much for her to comprehend! We spent half of our time at Roses in the 5 isles of toys deciding upon which toy would be the perfect one. And then she saw it…well, she saw her. A beautiful baby doll. Not just any baby doll, this baby doll was the only baby doll of African American descent. It was decided. She was the newest member of our family.

We moved on to the next section of Roses; house wares.  I’m not certain if I’ve told you of Monkey’s affinity for “Floor Petting” but Roses has carpet! We were petting floors when suddenly Monkey spotted a woman whom she must have thought she knew. Immediately she began the incessant waving and shouting, “HI! HI!” This didn’t stop until the woman turned and acknowledged her. A big grin crossed her face as Monkey raced across the small isle with her knock-kneed gait and holding a box containing her newest treasure. “I have a baby!”, and she held it up with pride for the woman to see. This woman, whose features resembled the baby we now call Roses Baby, looked at the baby and got a look of shock on her face as she looked at me. Monkey walked back to the cart oblivious to the differences between her and her new baby. I said, “She doesn’t see color.” Monkey’s new friend said, “She must be such a blessing to you.”

Wow! She said a mouthful there, didn’t she? My little girl is certainly that. She is more than just a blessing to me though. She is a blessing to many. As we wandered the isles of the Roses during the remaining time before our departure we ran into the lady once again. She pressed a dollar bill into Monkey’s hand and insisted she take it, “to help pay for her baby”.  Her eyes had tears in them. She was genuinely touched by the innocent love of my daughter.

Monkey is 11 years old and yet she has taught me many things in her short little life. God has used her to show me so much and not just me; He’s used her to teach many people many things. On this day, He used her to teach this lesson.

All of us are created in His image and we should all be colorblind. Not respecters of people.

“My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don’t show favoritism.” James 2:1 NIV

Can You Say Alice in Wonderland?

The shoes came in the mail on Thursday, the same day I had the procedure done which required anesthesia. The papers I signed CLEARLY STATED that I was in no way to make any decisions that day. Okay, no decisions, not a problem. Here comes the rub…I took the shoes out of the box and put them on Monkey and they were entirely too tight! Too short, too tight, NO WAY I could make her big old step-sister feet fit into these beautiful and delicate Paisley TOMS which were fit for a princess. Wait, she IS a princess.

 

Friday morning I called TOMS and asked if they would take them back without the tags, explaining the “all gone” and how the shoes were too small. The obliging young lady from TOMS asked me if I’d be willing to try allowing Monkey to wear the shoes in the house this weekend to allow them to stretch. Okay, I’ll try it…

She came in from outside play and I put them on her feet, this time, however, the Princess Slippers slipped right onto the pretty Monkey feet with no problem whatsoever! How could this be? Is it possible this is what they meant when they said to make NO DECISIONS?  HMMM? Perhaps.

I felt like Alice in Wonderland on Thursday and the lesson to be learned is this, make no decisions even when you don’t FEEL like you’re under the effects of anesthesia! Just goes to show me that I need to take directions seriously, even when I don’t think there are serious consequences to the decisions I’m making. It would have saved me a trip down the rabbit hole!

Our Temporary Home...

I love this time of year when all that has appeared dead returns to life and once again resurrects into the beauty of springtime! I particularly enjoy the incredible green grass that cover the ground and beckon us to sit beneath the flowering cherry trees and enjoy the falling blossoms.  This is a lovely temporary home.

I know I’ve never shown pictures of Monkey on here before but she was having such a wonderful time yesterday and I thought it would be nice to show you just how much we enjoyed the day.  As much fun as we had in the sunshine, picking flowers and blowing bubbles it still is just a temporary home.

Is there anything more beautiful than a child looking lovingly at her father when he returns home? I can think of nothing that equals the beauty of the face of a child who waits with eager anticipation for their father.

As beautiful as this world God created is I'm reminded that it isn't our home. We are merely pilgrims here in this world and one day we will be called to our permanent home. I'm so thankful that we have a loving Father who loved us so much He was willing to send His only Son to make a way for us to be with Him.

One day our Father will send Jesus to return for us who have placed our faith and trust in Him. I know that on that day Jesus will split the sky and call us to be with Him!

“For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself.” Philippians 3:20-21 NKJV

One of the things that really strikes me about this passage is that we will be given a new and glorious body like Jesus Christ. My beautiful child who has suffered so much here in this world will not suffer in her permanent home.

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Grumpy Monkey

There are times I wish that being a mommy came with an instruction manual, but it doesn’t. I recall being told to look for the inevitable fever, look out for a cough and runny nose, red cheeks could be a sign that your little one is getting sick as well. But no one prepared me for Monkey. She is as different from any other child as night is from day I believe. Not that it’s a bad thing but she is different.

Last month I took her to the doctor with me because I had “razor blade throat” otherwise known as strep. She wanted a swab too because if mommy gets it then obviously Monkey needs it too! She had no outward signs other than being a little naughty. They prescribed me antibiotics because my ears and throat were obviously infected, they called later with a prescription for Monkey because she swabbed positive for strep too. Everyone was surprised!

Today I took her on a very important appointment to interview a possible new school placement. She really liked the school but when the time came to leave she turned into “Spaghetti Girl” and had to be dragged to the door. Ughhh. Then when we finally made it to the car she hit it with her fist and hurt her hand, cried the whole way home and whined when we got there. I’ve been very sick and so I asked her if she felt okay to which she answered “I go doctor?” Yes, I called and she’ll be going tomorrow.

I should have known this was brewing, I’ve been sick for over a week. I didn’t go to the doctor last week because we were so busy with practice for the Easter Drama/Musical and then the performances (which God placed His hand on me to be able to make it through) and I finally went Monday. I really should have made the appointment for both of us but she seemed fine. Of course, she typically winds up being asymptomatic with most illnesses.

And since she is asymptomatic with most illnesses I am learning to wear a new hat…Nancy Drew. But God is ever faithful. He never lets us down and will always give us the wisdom to see what we need to see if only we have the wisdom to ASK.

I frequently pray this verse; it was one of my Daddy’s favorites…

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” James 1:5

And then in Proverbs I found this gem, my “Nancy Drew” verse…

“Be diligent to know the state of your flocks, and attend to your herds;” Proverbs 27:23

I know, she isn’t a “herd” but she is my little sheep and she can’t tell me how she’s doing so I must observe her to be able to attend to her so I think it appliesJ.

No More Monkey Jumping on the Bed

After having my Monkey jumping on the bed, bouncing off the walls, and crawling all over me for almost two weeks she is heading back to school. For those who don’t know about our school situation I’ll just briefly say that it’s been difficult and when we heard that she would be returning we ALL rejoiced! Monkey included. So you can imagine the disappointment that we all have been experiencing as the day of return nears and she looks increasingly unwell.

Wednesday evening I went to Church and left Monkey in the very capable hands of my husband who watched her as she slept, yes, she went to bed at 5:30pm before I left! When I returned I went up to check on her and discovered she was not miraculously well; she was actually running an extremely high temperature. This was new. Having gone to bed at 5:30pm she was also ready to get out of bed at 10pm and watch a little bit of television. I really need to invest in a chair and a half! Having a child who is almost as big as me trying to snuggle up in my lap is a little difficult but can be done J

I sit and rock her as she snuggles in watching her favorite; “Tartoon Birds” for those of you who don’t know it these are the Penguins of Madagascar. She wants the volume down low and for me to sing to her. “Sing Mommy, please.” Who could say no to that?

And it reminds me of one of my favorite verses…

“The LORD your God in your midst,
      The Mighty One, will save;
      He will rejoice over you with gladness,
      He will quiet you with His love,
      He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

I can close my eyes as I rock Monkey and imagine my Heavenly Father rocking me in His loving arms, quietly singing over me just as I quietly sing over her and I am comforted knowing all is well in His very strong Hands……

Dress Rehearsal

This year, as most years, our Church is having an Easter Drama/Musical and it requires a lot of time. I accepted Jesus as my Savior on January 1, 1998 and the very first thing I ever participated in was an Easter Program. I was captivated! I loved working on the backgrounds with Mr. Rex, our Director’s father, I loved the music, and I loved the time spent with other Christians but most of all I loved pouring myself into something that would glorify Jesus and bring His time on this earth to life before people today and hopefully draw them into a relationship with Him. My first year Mr. Rex told me that there would be a lot of time spent in rehearsal. I had no idea the amount of time we would spend in rehearsal! The week before the performance we were there every night until 11 or 12 but then came the performances. They made it all worthwhile! Lives were changed, people were saved, Jesus was lifted up and His Word was brought to life before my eyes! “And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all unto me.” John 12:32

As we have been rehearsing for our program this year, music since January and drama for a few weeks, I was thinking about how much it can take out of a person if they don’t have a passion for it. The motivation behind the rehearsal, if it is to glorify ourselves we will weaken quickly. This is much like life. We are so easily worn down when we do things in our own strength but when we wait on the Lord we will rise up on wings like eagles!

The Dictionary defines Rehearsal as:

1.      To practice something before performing such as a play, speech or piece of music before performing it for the public.

2.      To train somebody for performance someone who is practicing before doing something especially before giving a public performance.

3.      To go over a list of items often reasons, complaints or troubles.

4.      To say something or repeat something such as a story.

Have you ever thought that perhaps we are rehearsing every day, not for a play that runs three days and then is over until next year; but for eternity? What we do here matters! When we rehearse love, peace, kindness and forgiveness then we are rehearsing something that is worthy of a public performance. Conversely we can rehearse hate, prejudice, pride and lies, these things belong on another stage altogether.

Let’s be very careful that we aren’t rehearsing definition number three (making excuses or giving reasons why we can’t do something). Monkey used to be my excuse for not doing things, “Oh, I can’t go there, I have Monkey today, I can’t do that because I have Monkey” but God has brought me to the place that I comprehended if I make excuses I will never do anything. I am fully aware that I have used her as an excuse in the past but no more! The time is coming quickly for the performance; each of us will appear on the stage soon! Considering the magnitude of the actual occasion we are preparing for, eternity, I know that I’ll be more attentive to what I’m allowing myself to imagine and perform in my life. After all, when we imagine our futures according to God’s possibilities and not our human limitations there is nothing that God is unable to do! "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26 KJV

The Bible tells us to guard our minds and to be careful what we think about, as a matter of fact there is a passage in Philippians that gives us the perfect thing to “rehearse”. If it doesn’t meet these criteria, it shouldn’t be in our dress rehearsal.  “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9

“Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life.” Proverbs 4:23 CEV

Now let’s get out there and break a leg!

Hallelujah Anyway!

I’m learning some valuable lessons in my life right now. As I face challenges with each new day I also am faced with a choice. I can choose to look at the challenge in the worst light possible, negatively and complain about how it inconveniences me (and oh to my embarrassment, I still choose this at times) or I can choose to look for the blessing within the challenge (this is my goal).

In my pursuit of transparency I will confess my failures to you. When faced with the issues of Monkey staying home from school because the 1-1 was sick I felt inconvenienced. How terrible for me to view my blessing of a child as a hassle. I have truly repented of that and since I did an amazing thing has occurred, her 1-1 actually quit with no notice but now instead this being an inconvenience it is an opportunity. I have the opportunity to spend about a month solid with my Monkey and we will ask God to help us be creative in finding ways to spend our time wisely.

Last year when I hurt my knee I was not a happy camper about needing surgery the day before Thanksgiving but it put me at home when I lost my daycare and that was a blessing!

We are having an Easter Play at our Church this year and it is going to be amazing! It requires a lot of commitment but it means so much to me to be able to portray a piece of history from the life of Jesus’ life it is worth the sacrifice. For my Lord, no sacrifice is too great. One of my dear friend’s husbands has been watching the children while we practice and it has been such a blessing knowing Monkey is playing and cared for right around the corner by an adult I can trust. This past Saturday, however, he had to work overtime. It is only three weeks till we perform so practice was not 9-12 it was 9-2! Five hours! But I have to say, God blessed me in such an amazing way, not only did Monkey sit nicely in her pew and play with her toys while we practiced, she listened and obeyed me. The other choir members were so kind and understanding with her and interactive with her speaking to her and making her feel welcome (not that they don’t ordinarily but it just was a special day).  I left my house praying for her behavior and asking for the people to be compassionate, I even posted it as a prayer request on Facebook. God certainly answered! Thank You Jesus! I had a choice to make when I got the text that there would be not child care for Monkey, I chose wisely and God honored that.

Not every day is filled with her being obedient! But that is okay, she’s learning and so am I. I believe that as I’m learning patience with her I’m also learning to be obedient to my Heavenly Father because I see how frustrating it can be when I give a simple command only to have it ignored. I don’t want to do that to the One who loves me so…I know I fail more than I would like but I’m pressing toward the mark.

Within every challenge there is a blessing, we just have to look for it. We can find joy in any situation; our joy comes from being thankful and from holding onto Jesus Christ, not our circumstances. Imagine how tossed about we would be if our joy depended anything other than Jesus Christ? Our lives would be like roller coasters; happy one moment, despondent the next; how incredibly sad to live like that. Jesus offers us more; Jesus offers us a life of joy within the sorrow.

“For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:  I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:11-13 NKJV

And so I say…Hallelujah Anyway!!!

Anniversaries

Today marks the 11 year anniversary of my father’s death. It’s been a very hard week in and of itself but knowing that the 25^th was looming at the end of the week made me edgy I suppose. He was only 59 and died of prostate cancer. They caught it early believe it or not, this horrible disease that is supposedly so treatable. Despite all efforts of the doctors my beloved daddy didn’t beat the odds. I still can’t understand why of all people he wouldn’t be spared. He was such a good man. He was remarkable in every way. I never met anyone who didn’t admire him. One day he told me on the that although the cancer was inconvenient (inconvenient! Can you believe that?) he knew that God had allowed it in his life so he could share the Gospel with those in the Cancer Center where he was being treated. I know now that is just part of the big picture. And yet as I sit here on this anniversary knowing my daddy is whole and pain free now in Heaven with Jesus I am still here on earth waiting to be reunited with him, wondering if he ever had the opportunity to have a glimpse from Heaven of his only granddaughter who was born only months after his death. I still grieve. Not a hopeless grief but it’s still a grief that visits me once a year for a brief time early in the morning while I ponder the things I cannot comprehend. But the Bible says…

“Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.”  Isaiah 40:28:31

And I am renewed with strength to go on, I am comforted knowing I don’t have to understand, God’s understanding is more than I will ever be able to fathom and He knows my heart, and I am thankful for a God who is that loving!

And the Bible says…

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

And I am comforted…

Have a blessed weekend~ann

Try a Little Kindness

I’m facing a situation in my life that has forced me to consider the difference between being kind and being nice. I don’t like being the “bad guy”. I don’t like having to do the things that are difficult but I can, I have and I will. I just don’t like to. Does this mean I’m unkind? No. I’m so thankful that God prepared me for this. I’ve fought for rights before, I fought for Monkey with medical treatments, insurance payments, all kinds of things, then came the education issues, I took on the school board and thank God for Him being on my side when we won alternate placement without an attorney! Unheard of in our county, at the time I felt like I was being the bad guy but now I see I was just being an advocate for the special child who God entrusted to me, the voice she doesn’t have. As I mentioned earlier, I’m facing a situation and it’s forcing me to be that advocate again. Here is what I’ve been meditating on. I am asking for you, my readers, to please pray for me to have the law of kindness on my tongue as I deal with the issue at hand.

Last year I went to a Beth Moore Simulcast and I have thinking about that this during my quiet time, what little time there isof it. Monkey has been home all week! Woo Hoo. Anyway, here is what I recall about what she spoke on, the law of kindness. I need desperately for the law of kindness to be on my tongue! I have been struggling with wanting to give someone “a piece of my mind”! I’m afraid if I do that I might have very little left for myself…J

So I am striving for kindness. Proverbs 31:26, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.”

1) Kindness is not a weakness. She talked about the difference between kindness and being nice, and went to the Latin definition of nice, which is “nescius” or ignorant. She made the point that being nice does just not really know where in kindness we are aware and chose to be kind. She pointed out that kindness is perfectly capable of speaking a hard word. (Those of you who know me know that I have no problem doing that but I try to make it last resort. You know, truth in love…)

2) Kindness is not an action. It is a disposition. “Kind” means that it is profitable; fit for any use, useful towards others, good-natured. You can fake being nice, but kindness you can’t fake. It is the grace which pervades the whole nature. (I really want to be fit for any use, don’t you?)

3) Kindness wears down when we do. She explained that one of the works of the spirit of the enemy is to wear us down. She said, “We all have someone we need to feel differently toward. When we are worn down, we need to be built up by the body of Christ.” (Could this be why Monkey has been home all week? Thank you my Sisters for building me up! I have been so worn down and your kind words have been exactly what I needed to build me up and strengthen me!)

4) Kindness looks pain in the face! She referenced Job 6:28 where Job says, “Be so kind as to look at me.” And she said not to have face blindness. Be willing to hear more than just “Fine” when you ask someone how they are doing. In the conference this broke me to pieces. I’ve had so many people look past my pain and accept the “I’m Fine”, how I’ve longed for kindness that looked my pain in the face. Finally, I’ve found it among my friends whom I’ve never met and a few who I have…

5) Kindness is a Savior. Kindness took on flesh and dwelled among us. Jesus not only saved me from the pits of hell, but also from MYSELF! From my own sin and bondages! What a revelation! That is awesome!

6) Kindness has a good memory. Psalm 106:7 says, “They didn’t remember Your many kindnesses and they rebelled.” Remember that God has been good to you! Remember the ways! When we’re busy being thankful we aren’t being rebellious!

7) Kindness craves an outlet. When we know God has been kind to us, we want to share it with someone else. For me this blog is an outlet for kindness, I have a desire to share what God has done for me and this is one outlet, I pray for more as Jabez prayed, oh Lord, enlarge my borders!

8.) Kindness leaves a legacy. In Acts 28:1-2, we read that the “islanders were showed unusual kindness.” In a study, Beth Moore recently found that on the island of Malta (the same one referenced here in Acts), still some 83% of people are involved in some charitable giving! Oh how I long to leave a legacy, I want to pass on to the next generation the love of Jesus Christ.

We all need to experience kindness. We all need to express kindness. When we’ve experienced the kindness of the Savior we must pass it on, we must seek a channel to pass the kindness on through. If you have experienced the kindness I speak of you understand exactly what I mean, you can never be content to sit in a pew and listen, and you must find someone outside those walls of the Church who God will use you to show His kindness through.

If you haven’t met Jesus Christ as your Savior but would like to know Him and experience His kindness I encourage you to pray this prayer and get involved with a local church that teaches from the Bible.

“Father, I know that I have broken Your laws and my sins have separated me from You. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward You. Please forgive me of my sins, and help me to avoid sinning again. I believe that Your Son, Jesus Christ came to Earth, was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. Jesus, please come into my heart and forgive my sins, cover me with Your blood and wash me clean,  become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.”

Where were you on...

There are days in history that stand out in our minds and become part of who we are, we never forget where we were, who we were with, they become indelibly etched upon our memories. Some days we share with many, others are much more personal…

Where were you on January 28, 1986? Do you remember that day? I was riding on I-59 between Laurel and Hattiesburg MS in the middle of a pickup truck when the news came on the radio, Space Shuttle Challenger had exploded. I had gone from feeling like an independent rebel who was skipping school to wanting nothing more than to climb into my daddy’s lap and for everything to be the way it was the day before.

Where were you on September 11, 2001? I was at work with a man named Frank and to this day when I think back to the horror of the day it is intrinsically intertwined with him and the comfort I received from his hand on my shoulder as we watched in silent shock at the events of the day as they unfolded. That day I wanted nothing more than to go home and hold my children and make sure they were safe, I wanted to go back to the day before but nothing would ever be the same.

How about March 11, 2006. You probably have no idea where you were but I know exactly where I was. I was watching my daughter have a 10 hour status seizure that would change the very reality of the rest of my entire family’s life. As she fought for her life I had no idea our lives would never be the same. You can read more about it here http://msannloves.blogspot.com/2010/09/trusting-no-matter-what.html

We all have days in our lives that change everything. The day Challenger fell from the sky no one was prepared. No one dreamed it could happen. The day terrorists attacked us on our own soil we were so unprepared because we had failed to heed the warnings that had been issued. Who wants to believe that they are vulnerable to such an attack? I had failed to see the warning signs of partial complex seizures that had been building, even the doctors told me Monkey was fine when I took her for check-ups. I didn’t listen to that inner voice that told me something was wrong.

There is coming one more day that will affect every single person. The Bible tells us that Jesus Christ is coming back and He will come like a thief in the night. No man knows the time or day but we do know that He will come so we should be prepared! But how do we prepare for something if we have no idea when it will happen?

1.      Make sure we are followers of Jesus Christ. If you haven’t given your life to Him make sure that you have given your life to Him and confessed and repented of your sins, asked Him to be your Savior and Master of your life and He will send His Holy Spirit to fill you and help you to live for Him.

2.      Live your life like He was coming tonight, because regardless of when He returns we have no guarantee of the next breath. Each moment we have here is a gift. And when we finish here, we’re finished here.

Ask yourself these questions.

When Jesus comes back will He find me among those who call Him Master? Will He find me obeying His commands because I love Him? Will He find me looking up eagerly searching the skies waiting for Him? Will He find me excited to be with Him? What’s Your Answer?

“Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” John 14:6 There is only one way to reach Heaven and that is through Jesus Christ.

“Measured against eternity, our time on earth is just a blink of an eye, but the consequences of it will last forever. The deeds of this life are the destiny of the next.” CS Lewis

Let’s make this day a day that stands the test of time and lasts into eternity.

Here's The Buzzzzzzzz

One day while sitting in church the Pastor was preaching and he said that we should ask the Lord for a new Biblical name. It didn’t really make a whole lot of sense to me because honestly I hadn’t been paying attention, my mind had been more on whether Monkey was behaving in Sunday School so I missed the whole why thing, but I bowed my head and said, “God, I’m not sure why he said we should do this but if You want to give me a new name then I want all You have for me so…uhhhh I’d like a new name please, if that is Your will? Thank you? In Jesus Name, Amen”. Can you tell I was unsure on the whole thing? And that was that.

On to the rest of the sermon, I WAS paying attention, although I don’t recall what it was about now because it was in 2009 and what happened next trumps what Pastor had to say anyway. I’m sitting on the 4^th row from the front. Amanda H. was in front of me to the right in the center. Hubby was to my left and in my right ear (which I’m 40% deaf in) I hear a faint whisper, “Deborah”. I got all hot and sweaty. My heart was racing. No one was next to me on that side, I looked. We were the only ones on the whole pew! I looked behind me. No one. Hubby asked if I was okay and I nodded yes. I’m thinking someone behind us named Deborah must have a loud husband. Again it happened, only this time it’s louder and in both ears but also in my head I hear, “I will call you Deborah”. I thought I would throw up right there. Deep in my heart I knew it was for me but I asked hubby if he said anything. Nope, okay. Did he hear anything? Nope. Am I okay? Because my face is pale and I look freaked out! I picked up the Bible and looked in the concordance and guess what? There IS a woman named Deborah in the Bible. God has decided to rename me that. So, that is my Biblical name, I still go by Ann because it’s easier than telling people…well…this! But on my pray Shawl in Hebrew I have the name Deborah embroidered on the case.

I try to be completely transparent with this blog so I have one more confession to make here. Listening to the rest of Pastor’s sermon that Sunday morning was one of the hardest things I’ve EVER done because after God speaks something like that to you even listening to an anointed man of God preach an interesting sermon is difficult! All I wanted to do was devour the book of Judges! I’d never read it and knew nothing about her so I was itching to get home and dive in!

I’ve looked up why one would ask for a new name and here is what I’ve come up with.

1.      It changes your standing with God. Like Jacob (supplanter or deceitful) to Israel (prosperous). So he went from deceitful to prosperous.

2.      It is a fulfillment of a promise. Sarai (princess) which was a promise to Sarah (mother of multitudes) fulfillment of the promise.

3.      It indicates a change in the direction of the life of the one whose name has been changed. Saul’s name was changed to Paul.

So while my name change is only symbolic I believe it has impacted every area of my life as surely as if I had gone to the court house…

The name Ann means God favored me. I like that, He has favored me. He favored me so much He sent me Jesus Christ and THAT is favor.

Deborah means bee. How peculiar, my husband’s last name means keeper of the bees and my new name means bee…hmmmm?  You don’t mess with a bee. Bee’s sting and they can do quite a bit of damage but they also produce honey that is sweet and a little known fact about honey, it has no expiration date. Bacteria cannot grow in honey, it will never go bad. It is my sincere prayer that my works here on earth for Jesus Christ go on and do not “grow bacteria” so to speak. That I leave a legacy that will go from one generation to the next.

Vampires, Werewolves and Ghosts?

Not hardly! There is quite an obsession these days in the media, books and movies though. Apparently howling at the moon is of great interest to the general public, it’s of interest to me as well, but for a much different reason. While I believe in the Supernatural, “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12 NLT. See? The Bible is clear there is a realm we don’t see but there is plenty to concern me here in the Natural that I can see.

I know a lot of people who say that there is no credence to the idea that the full moon affects people’s behavior, moods, or actions. Having worked in a psychiatric facility for 17 years and I could tell you stories not just of wild behavior by the residents but the staff as well!

I’ve been keeping a log of behavior trying to find any pattern or trigger for Monkey’s “bad days”. This brings us to last night, a good night, a couple of behavior issues but NOTHING like what we used to deal with, easily redirected and all in all, a good night. My dear husband wasn’t feeling well so he stayed home from Church and was watching How It’s Made. Of course, they’re making donuts! So Monkey began to ask for donuts and I said something like maybe (MAYBE) tomorrow. Apparently maybe isn’t in her vocabulary. She went to bed and I went to the grocery store and got some donuts along with some other necessities.

Fast forward to the wee hours of the morning when my sweetie says, “Monkey is jumping on the bed.” For some reason these up all nighters tend to come on the nights I stayed up late and have a hugely busy day the next day. I went upstairs and she was waiting by the door saying, “Dunkin Donuts?” Are you kidding me? I tried to get her to sleep but there was no sleep to be had! And so although she didn’t howl at the moon she did jump on her bed. When I stumbled downstairs at 5:45am to scribble on the calendar it was a bad night, I noticed that it was the night before the full moon. Ahhh, it makes sense as I flip back through the past several months this morning now my eyes are open.

From now on I believe I will be napping the night before the full moon! And while I’m at it I think I’ll grab a quick nap now before I have to take the dog to the vet.