First Sight

How do I begin writing this? I am truly struggling to put into words the emotions that have bubbled up during the past month. I want to be careful too, because this child, no, this woman, has a family who loves her and could be affected by my words. I wish to cause them no pain. For privacy reasons I don’t name family members in this blog and I don’t want to call her Becca Christine because that isn’t her name either. Her family gave her a beautiful name and I don’t want them to think I am being disrespectful calling her by the name I gave her, so I think I’ll call her Selah, because it means reflection and praise. I’ve reflected on her and the decision I made for the past 25 years and I give praise to God for honoring my prayers and allowing us to be reunited. We’ll refer to her husband as Chef because he’s an extraordinarily talented cook. With that out of the way I will attempt to convey to you the gamut of emotions that ensued when Monkey and I trekked south to Alabama.

First Sight

In the blink of an eye life can change. There are defining moments in our lives. Driving to Alabama to meet the daughter I put up for adoption was a time of reflection for me.  All the things in my life that I would have done differently if given the chance flooded my mind and there they were, in my face. I find it amazing how one minute I could be a fairly self confident 40 something woman, mom, wife, and business owner, then the next I’m a teenager facing the mistakes I’ve fought hard to put into my past. The past is a funny thing; it’s always there to remind you of where you come from and who you were. It also is the thing that shapes us into the people we become. One of my defining moments occurred 25 years ago when, as a child myself, I chose to give Selah life. One month ago to the day was another defining moment, Selah chose to find me and we connected.

My eyes were filled with tears when we pulled in the driveway and I saw a mass of blonde curls on a slim frame rush in front of my car. I couldn’t make out her face through the tears but she ran straight into my arms when I got out of the car and I didn’t need to see her, I was holding her and it was miraculous. The baby with a creamy pale complexion, hair so fair it was almost invisible and rose bud lips is now this beautiful woman in my arms. The last time I held her she was only 2 days old but I remember the weight of her in my arms. I will also remember the feel of her in my arms as a 25 year old woman. I can feel her lovely head on my shoulder, I can run my fingers through the soft, curly hair, I can kiss her face. I remember the anguish when I handed her over as an infant, this was a stark contrast, this was pure bliss.

At this point Monkey is banging on the door to get out! She wants in on the hugs and I don’t blame her one little bit! There is an amazing new son in law, Chef, as well. There were lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of tears. It was a night I’ll never forget. We unloaded the car and went inside. There were gifts for Monkey, she was in heaven! A stuffed monkey, coloring books, crayons, a shirt from the local university, it was right up her alley! Monkey loved Selah and Chef from the moment we met them. I loved them long before we pulled in that driveway and we felt right at home, comfortable and loved. It was very good.

Monkey was pretty wiped after being on the road all day (she doesn’t sleep in the car) so she went to bed. Selah, Chef and I sat in the living room and she gave me a beautiful book. It is something I will cherish for all of my days. It is a pictorial of her life. From baby to beautiful woman, it documents her life. I’m relieved to hear it has been such a good life. She told me stories that go with the photos. I wish I could have recorded every word she said because it was all so overwhelming I feel there were things I missed.  It was a remarkable experience sitting on the couch with her and listening to her and Chef recall memories to share with me. I could imagine Heaven smiling down upon this reunion. We talked until after 3am. When I laid down I cried myself to sleep out of gratitude to Jesus for allowing me to be a part of her life. I am overwhelmed at the love and kindness Selah and Chef extended to Monkey and me. 

For me, it seemed like a blink of an eye and the lovely baby with her rose bud mouthed grew into an astonishing woman but that is because I wasn’t the one who kissed her boo boo’s, held her while she was sick or did all the things her mother did. I am thankful for her family who will always be her family, even though she found me. She has a loving, close knit family and I’m so happy for the relationships she has with them. I am thankful that they have made room for me in their family too. God is good. She has two mothers who love her and I have a whole new set of friends. My cup overflows…

Contact...

This blog entry is part 3 of a series. If you missed Part One or Part Two you can check them out so this makes sense.

 

It was a normal Friday in January. I was just working. Little did I know my entire life was about to change.The email was hidden among tons of spam in an account I rarely used. I was checking for a shipping notice. There it was. My breath caught. My heart skipped a LOT of beats. I burst into tears. Her name was in the subject line. When I opened it I read the following…

Hello,

I was born Becca Christine ___ in ___ 1987 in _____ AL. I am doing research on my family history. The name Margie Ann ___ has come up in some records. I am curious if you may be able to provide me with any information. If you can help me in any way, I would love to hear from you. If not, please disregard this email, and I apologize for taking your time. Thank you.

___

The first thing I did was check my clock. It was 12:11pm.  This was in the 12-12:30 window I have to call my husband at lunch, so I called him. We both cried. He asked what I had done and I said, “I called you!!!” We talked briefly and I replied to the email.

Hello _____

I would be happy to speak with you. My cell is ___-___-____. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ann

She called at 12:32pm. We talked for 2 hours. We cried, we laughed, and she told me she loved me. That is the thing. She loved me, she LOVES me.

My fears were washed away and I was filled with a peace I’ve never experienced before. This child I loved so dearly, completely, she loved me too. I’m so filled with gratitude to her parents. They told her that I loved her. The letter had been lost in a move but they made sure that she knew she was loved by me. They made certain she was secure in who she was and who she is in Christ. They did what I couldn’t; they raised her to be an amazing woman.

We’ve talked or texted every day since. I look forward to seeing her name on my phone. I look at her pictures and can hardly believe it’s real. It’s like a dream I’m having that is so good I’m afraid I’ll wake up and find it was only a beautiful dream. But each morning I wake and she is still really a part of my life. I feel complete now. Have you ever had an ache or pain that was there for such a long time you become accustomed to it? Then the pain is suddenly gone and the relief is overwhelming. That is the only way I can describe this feeling. I walked around for 25 years with a hole in my heart and now it’s filled.

Hallelujah Anyway!

I’m learning some valuable lessons in my life right now. As I face challenges with each new day I also am faced with a choice. I can choose to look at the challenge in the worst light possible, negatively and complain about how it inconveniences me (and oh to my embarrassment, I still choose this at times) or I can choose to look for the blessing within the challenge (this is my goal).

In my pursuit of transparency I will confess my failures to you. When faced with the issues of Monkey staying home from school because the 1-1 was sick I felt inconvenienced. How terrible for me to view my blessing of a child as a hassle. I have truly repented of that and since I did an amazing thing has occurred, her 1-1 actually quit with no notice but now instead this being an inconvenience it is an opportunity. I have the opportunity to spend about a month solid with my Monkey and we will ask God to help us be creative in finding ways to spend our time wisely.

Last year when I hurt my knee I was not a happy camper about needing surgery the day before Thanksgiving but it put me at home when I lost my daycare and that was a blessing!

We are having an Easter Play at our Church this year and it is going to be amazing! It requires a lot of commitment but it means so much to me to be able to portray a piece of history from the life of Jesus’ life it is worth the sacrifice. For my Lord, no sacrifice is too great. One of my dear friend’s husbands has been watching the children while we practice and it has been such a blessing knowing Monkey is playing and cared for right around the corner by an adult I can trust. This past Saturday, however, he had to work overtime. It is only three weeks till we perform so practice was not 9-12 it was 9-2! Five hours! But I have to say, God blessed me in such an amazing way, not only did Monkey sit nicely in her pew and play with her toys while we practiced, she listened and obeyed me. The other choir members were so kind and understanding with her and interactive with her speaking to her and making her feel welcome (not that they don’t ordinarily but it just was a special day).  I left my house praying for her behavior and asking for the people to be compassionate, I even posted it as a prayer request on Facebook. God certainly answered! Thank You Jesus! I had a choice to make when I got the text that there would be not child care for Monkey, I chose wisely and God honored that.

Not every day is filled with her being obedient! But that is okay, she’s learning and so am I. I believe that as I’m learning patience with her I’m also learning to be obedient to my Heavenly Father because I see how frustrating it can be when I give a simple command only to have it ignored. I don’t want to do that to the One who loves me so…I know I fail more than I would like but I’m pressing toward the mark.

Within every challenge there is a blessing, we just have to look for it. We can find joy in any situation; our joy comes from being thankful and from holding onto Jesus Christ, not our circumstances. Imagine how tossed about we would be if our joy depended anything other than Jesus Christ? Our lives would be like roller coasters; happy one moment, despondent the next; how incredibly sad to live like that. Jesus offers us more; Jesus offers us a life of joy within the sorrow.

“For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:  I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:11-13 NKJV

And so I say…Hallelujah Anyway!!!

Ready For A New Season

To Every Thing There is a Season
Ecclesiastes 3

To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Sometimes the hardest thing is determining what season we’re in. A time to heal, a time to break down, a time to weep and mourn, a time to lose, I’m pretty sure these are the times I’m in presently but since they are appointed to occur I’m thankful for them. Looking forward to a time to build up, dance and laugh. But the season of joy means nothing without the season of pain.

The season of pain is where we grow. Growing hurts, growing stretches who we are to make room for what is to come. That is encouragement to me, it reminds me there is something yet to come.

Milestones…

I am the mommy of a wonderful 10yo special needs girl who I lovingly refer to as Monkey and although she is 10 developmentally they tell me she is around the age of 2-3. She is finally getting out of diapers! I am as happy about that as you can imagine. Ten years of diapers was not fun, inexpensive or enjoyable. But alas! There is coming a day when big girl panties will be all she wears! We aren’t there YET but at least now we don’t have major meltdowns over sitting on the potty…

Since Monkey got sick in 2006 she has been early to bed, usually by 7pm. She needs her rest or she tends to get sick easier. This year we have moved bedtime to 7:30 unless she asks earlier. And this brings us to last night…

“Okay, Monkey, time for bed.” And immediately she runs to grab her favorite blanket and baby doll. This is the normal routine when suddenly she stops on the way to the stairs and say, “I go poop?” Sure thing! So we head to the bathroom. Now you need to understand she has just started asking to go within the past week so it’s a BIG DEAL!

She sits there and plays with her etch a sketch, sings, tries to tickle me and after about 5 minutes I said, “I think maybe you might not have to go, let’s go upstairs.” And she says, “My teeth brush?” Okay, brushing twice in one night can’t hurt…then, “And floss?” Okay…”I take shower?”

Hold on! This child HATES the shower! Since her brain surgeries she despises having her hair washed or brushed! What is going on? I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth though! I turn on the water and she WILLINGLY gets in! I shampoo her hair and wash her off, rinse and say, “Hop out.” And then she gives the clincher! While pointing to her hair she says, “And repeat?”

Our new milestone! Stalling bedtime! She conned me for over 30 minutes! Priceless! My forever baby is growing up! Perhaps she won’t be my forever baby; perhaps she will grow into a young woman. Last night, as frustrating as it was, filled me hope!

Perhaps it’s time to raise the bedtime again?