First Sight

How do I begin writing this? I am truly struggling to put into words the emotions that have bubbled up during the past month. I want to be careful too, because this child, no, this woman, has a family who loves her and could be affected by my words. I wish to cause them no pain. For privacy reasons I don’t name family members in this blog and I don’t want to call her Becca Christine because that isn’t her name either. Her family gave her a beautiful name and I don’t want them to think I am being disrespectful calling her by the name I gave her, so I think I’ll call her Selah, because it means reflection and praise. I’ve reflected on her and the decision I made for the past 25 years and I give praise to God for honoring my prayers and allowing us to be reunited. We’ll refer to her husband as Chef because he’s an extraordinarily talented cook. With that out of the way I will attempt to convey to you the gamut of emotions that ensued when Monkey and I trekked south to Alabama.

First Sight

In the blink of an eye life can change. There are defining moments in our lives. Driving to Alabama to meet the daughter I put up for adoption was a time of reflection for me.  All the things in my life that I would have done differently if given the chance flooded my mind and there they were, in my face. I find it amazing how one minute I could be a fairly self confident 40 something woman, mom, wife, and business owner, then the next I’m a teenager facing the mistakes I’ve fought hard to put into my past. The past is a funny thing; it’s always there to remind you of where you come from and who you were. It also is the thing that shapes us into the people we become. One of my defining moments occurred 25 years ago when, as a child myself, I chose to give Selah life. One month ago to the day was another defining moment, Selah chose to find me and we connected.

My eyes were filled with tears when we pulled in the driveway and I saw a mass of blonde curls on a slim frame rush in front of my car. I couldn’t make out her face through the tears but she ran straight into my arms when I got out of the car and I didn’t need to see her, I was holding her and it was miraculous. The baby with a creamy pale complexion, hair so fair it was almost invisible and rose bud lips is now this beautiful woman in my arms. The last time I held her she was only 2 days old but I remember the weight of her in my arms. I will also remember the feel of her in my arms as a 25 year old woman. I can feel her lovely head on my shoulder, I can run my fingers through the soft, curly hair, I can kiss her face. I remember the anguish when I handed her over as an infant, this was a stark contrast, this was pure bliss.

At this point Monkey is banging on the door to get out! She wants in on the hugs and I don’t blame her one little bit! There is an amazing new son in law, Chef, as well. There were lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of tears. It was a night I’ll never forget. We unloaded the car and went inside. There were gifts for Monkey, she was in heaven! A stuffed monkey, coloring books, crayons, a shirt from the local university, it was right up her alley! Monkey loved Selah and Chef from the moment we met them. I loved them long before we pulled in that driveway and we felt right at home, comfortable and loved. It was very good.

Monkey was pretty wiped after being on the road all day (she doesn’t sleep in the car) so she went to bed. Selah, Chef and I sat in the living room and she gave me a beautiful book. It is something I will cherish for all of my days. It is a pictorial of her life. From baby to beautiful woman, it documents her life. I’m relieved to hear it has been such a good life. She told me stories that go with the photos. I wish I could have recorded every word she said because it was all so overwhelming I feel there were things I missed.  It was a remarkable experience sitting on the couch with her and listening to her and Chef recall memories to share with me. I could imagine Heaven smiling down upon this reunion. We talked until after 3am. When I laid down I cried myself to sleep out of gratitude to Jesus for allowing me to be a part of her life. I am overwhelmed at the love and kindness Selah and Chef extended to Monkey and me. 

For me, it seemed like a blink of an eye and the lovely baby with her rose bud mouthed grew into an astonishing woman but that is because I wasn’t the one who kissed her boo boo’s, held her while she was sick or did all the things her mother did. I am thankful for her family who will always be her family, even though she found me. She has a loving, close knit family and I’m so happy for the relationships she has with them. I am thankful that they have made room for me in their family too. God is good. She has two mothers who love her and I have a whole new set of friends. My cup overflows…

Contact...

This blog entry is part 3 of a series. If you missed Part One or Part Two you can check them out so this makes sense.

 

It was a normal Friday in January. I was just working. Little did I know my entire life was about to change.The email was hidden among tons of spam in an account I rarely used. I was checking for a shipping notice. There it was. My breath caught. My heart skipped a LOT of beats. I burst into tears. Her name was in the subject line. When I opened it I read the following…

Hello,

I was born Becca Christine ___ in ___ 1987 in _____ AL. I am doing research on my family history. The name Margie Ann ___ has come up in some records. I am curious if you may be able to provide me with any information. If you can help me in any way, I would love to hear from you. If not, please disregard this email, and I apologize for taking your time. Thank you.

___

The first thing I did was check my clock. It was 12:11pm.  This was in the 12-12:30 window I have to call my husband at lunch, so I called him. We both cried. He asked what I had done and I said, “I called you!!!” We talked briefly and I replied to the email.

Hello _____

I would be happy to speak with you. My cell is ___-___-____. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ann

She called at 12:32pm. We talked for 2 hours. We cried, we laughed, and she told me she loved me. That is the thing. She loved me, she LOVES me.

My fears were washed away and I was filled with a peace I’ve never experienced before. This child I loved so dearly, completely, she loved me too. I’m so filled with gratitude to her parents. They told her that I loved her. The letter had been lost in a move but they made sure that she knew she was loved by me. They made certain she was secure in who she was and who she is in Christ. They did what I couldn’t; they raised her to be an amazing woman.

We’ve talked or texted every day since. I look forward to seeing her name on my phone. I look at her pictures and can hardly believe it’s real. It’s like a dream I’m having that is so good I’m afraid I’ll wake up and find it was only a beautiful dream. But each morning I wake and she is still really a part of my life. I feel complete now. Have you ever had an ache or pain that was there for such a long time you become accustomed to it? Then the pain is suddenly gone and the relief is overwhelming. That is the only way I can describe this feeling. I walked around for 25 years with a hole in my heart and now it’s filled.

An Excellent Woman Part II

Yesterday I lamented over why I feel so inadequate when I compare myself to the Proverbs 31 woman. Well, I didn’t exactly lament, I more or less griped. But honestly, I still feel inadequate when compared to her. So that makes me wonder, I know that God created me fearfully and wonderfully. Psalm 139:14, “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” And yesterday I saw in II Corinthians 10:12, “For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.” So comparing ourselves to others isn’t wise.

Have I’ve been taught wrong all these years? Perhaps the Proverbs 31 woman isn’t the standard to live up to. She definitely was a virtuous woman, the Bible says so and the Bible is never wrong. We as people can misinterpret it and therein lays the issue. So let’s see why was she virtuous? Was it because of being the wife of a well-known husband? That leaves me out, he’s a great man but unless you live in our county you probably don’t know him. Was it because she was affluent? Count me out there! How about because she ran a home business and made sure she and her family were in the latest fashions? With so many losing their jobs, homes and barely scraping by I don’t think this was what made her virtuous either. How about being a good neighbor, wife and mother?

Was it the things she DID that made her virtuous? You could DO all these things and still not have virtue. And this brings me to the other virtuous woman in the Bible. She was the ONLY other woman in the whole Bible who was named as a virtuous woman. Can you guess who she was?

“And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman.” Ruth 3:11

What a contrast between Mrs. 31 and Ruth….

Rich ~ Poor
Important Position ~ No Position
Business woman ~ Farm laborer
Expensive clothes ~ Poor clothes
Children ~ No children
Well-known husband ~ No husband
Buys a field ~ Works in a field

Achievements and position in life a virtuous woman do not make…The contrast above makes that clear, so why did the Word of God list them as virtuous? What did they have in common?

~Both feared the Lord.
~Both were in subjection to the authorities in their lives.
~Both lived their lives for others.
~Both were self-sacrificing.
~Both had the law of kindness in their tongues.

The deciding factor for whether or not you’re a virtuous woman isn’t what you do or how much of it you do; it’s the heart behind those things. Ms. P31 didn’t dress her family nicely so others would notice how well she did and be envious, she didn’t keep her house clean so others would admire her and she wasn’t a virtuous woman because she was on the Praise and Worship team or sang in the choir. She loved the Lord and she had this as her motivation for all she did. She was a virtuous woman because she was fulfilling the plan God had for HER life. (So please forgive me for saying you made me feel inadequate yesterday)

It isn’t what we do or who others think we are that make us virtuous, it is having a fear and love for the Lord and living for Him, as a result we live a life of obedience. A woman who works in the 3yo classroom who receives little to no recognition just may be more virtuous than the woman who sings the solo’s in choir and has people clambering for her attention after service. It’s not what you do; it’s the heart you do it with. Whether His plan for your life is being a woman who owns a business and is famous or being the mommy to a special child who will always need assistance, as long as we try to be obedient to all He calls us to do we will be virtuous in His eyes.

When I see that God put 2 amazing examples of virtuous women in the Bible I see how me feeling like such a failure was because I was focused on the wrong thing, I was focused on her achievements, not on the woman who feared the Lord. Any woman can be a virtuous woman; any girl can be a virtuous girl; it’s just a matter of fearing God, loving Him with all your heart and being obedient to Him.

It’s a lie from Satan that there is such a thing as a Perfect Proverb 31 Woman. It’s a lie she was put there to be our standard and we should try to achieve her accomplishments, those were hers to accomplish. Not ours. It’s a lie meant to bind us up in legalism and tie us in knots because we can never achieve all God called her to do. God called HER to do that, NOT us!  It’s meant to make us feel like I did yesterday, like giving up, like I would never measure up.

Let’s stop this lie that is spreading throughout the Bride of Christ that we should be Super Woman and be set free to love the Lord, sit at His feet and learn to love and fear Him, to obey Him and to teach others the same. All one has to do to be a virtuous woman is to obey God. Everything else follows.

Plans

You don’t have to knock me in the head with a brick, or maybe you do. At times I think I have a pretty good handle on my situation and other times I’m at a complete loss. I need to remember that it’s not my plans that matter, it’s the plans God holds for me.

Here is my brick upside the head day. Yesterday I was hoping to be at the end of a 3 day migraine. I had a very busy day planned and was so pleased that the pain was down to a low roar. Here was my agenda.

1.      Get Monkey up and ready for school.

2.      Get Red Bull (our French Mastiff) to the Vet’s for surgery.

3.      Return home with Bull and go straight to the orthopedic surgeon for follow-up.

4.      Grocery store for dinner ingredients.

5.      Get Monkey off limousine. (I know…she rides in a limo!)

6.      Cook dinner.

7.      Praise and Worship practice.

8.      Home, shower, bed.

But here is how it actually went down.

1.      Got Monkey ready for school.

2.      Limo arrived and her 1-1 for both the limo ride and school informed me of her 2 week notice.

3.      Went in the house and cried.

4.      Got Bull ready for the ride.

5.      Did an 180˚ on black ice and crashed into an embankment.

6.      Called AAA and discovered my membership expired 2 days prior.

7.      Was told they couldn’t send a tow unless I paid the renewal right then even though I could not get out of my car and my purse was in the trunk.

8.      Prayed.

9.      Cried

10.   Rejoiced at the Good Samaritan God sent to pour saltwater on my tires to get me out.

11.   Prayed for more help cause Good Samaritan #1 was unable to get me out of the mud.

12.   Rejoiced God send Good Samaritan #2 and #3!

13.   Rejoiced car was still drivable and no one was injured.

14.   Took Bull for surgery.

15.   Cost $100.00 more than expected.

16.   Anesthesia gas leaked in OR suite and I got my migraine back.

17.   Took Bull home.

18.   Canceled and rescheduled orthopedic appt.

19.   Tried to get pain meds into an uncooperative dog.

20.   Cried.

21.   Prayed

22.   Called Dear Hubby to come help.

23.   Took Excedrin.

24.   Lay down.

25.   Got up due to dog barking.

26.   Called school and spoke with principal to make a game plan.

27.   Discovered Monkey will likely miss 2-4 weeks of school until they find a replacement.

28.   Discovered they really want me to find a replacement (I did last time we lost one).

29.   Monkey came home.

30.   Cooked dinner.

31.   Went to P&W practice.

32.   Experienced the peace that only God can give.

It may seem like I’m complaining. I’m not. I am just demonstrating how different my day turned out from what I was expecting. The thought that perhaps God was putting me on a path for homeschooling Monkey wasn’t nearly as frightening as it was when He put me on the path to staying home. I’m not sure exactly what He has planned for us but I’m 100% certain that it is for our good and even though it’s not what I would have chosen it is what I want because God knows best. I believe He’s breaking me in slowly for the plan He has so I’m not terrified and have a heart attack! Regardless of how my day went, I know for certain that Jesus was right there with me the whole time. And He showed up in a big way last night to calm my frayed nerves and give the peace I needed desperately. God is good, even when the circumstances seem overwhelming because He is never caught off guard like I am.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Dear Lord,
 Thank you for the plan that you have for each of us.  Thank you for your Word that holds such peace and strength and promise.  I claim this for myself and for those who are sharing this scripture on this blog.  Let them, even now; be filled with peace and assurance. When all is in turmoil, and we cannot see our way to the end of the day, I thank you that you have a plan.  Help us to be open and receptive to what your desires are for our lives.
    In Jesus' name I pray,
    Amen

A New Purpose

If you had asked me 6 months ago I would have been pretty certain what my purpose in life was and I could have told you, it was to touch the world for Jesus Christ, still is, but mainly through my job. Now my job is hanging by a tenuous thread it is time to redefine what I thought 6 months ago. Yesterday I wrote about my injury and loss of child care. Today I examine how it has totally changed not just my job situation; it has changed my heart and my life.

So began the journey of searching for another provider. Many of you know that Monkey doesn’t do well with change, which said, I was concerned how this would affect her. Surprisingly, being home with me didn’t seem to bother her. I assumed she would miss Ms. Cinny so much I wouldn’t be adequate to make her feel secure. I was wrong.

I thought it would be relatively simple to find a child care provider for a special needs child for before and after care and the occasional day off from school. I placed ads. Paper ads, internet ads, checked through disability resources, called daycare centers, interviewed over 13 women. We tried out a few and none worked out! Can you believe it? I’ve exhausted the resources here in our county. And since Monkey has alternate placement with school she MUST be picked up in our county to be eligible for placement to continue. Not to mention the “occasional” day off from school has turned into more frequent than occasional due to illnesses, school closings, snow days, and her 1-1 needing time off. I thought it would be simple to find someone who could care for my monkey. I was wrong.

This was a very frightening prospect, I struggled against it! I fought tooth and nail! I was determined to hold on to my job! Days rolled into weeks, weeks rolled into months and I was released from Worker’s Comp to return to light duty. As Ron White says, “I had the right to remain silent but I lacked the ability.” I had the right to return to work but I lacked the ability. But then one night as I prayed the perfect peace of God came upon me and I stopped struggling.

I spoke to people in Human Resources. I’m applying for FMLA, 12 wks of unpaid leave to care for my chronically sick child. But that doesn’t really change my dilemma.  After 12 weeks I may not have a child care provider. Honestly, as hard as I’ve looked, as much as I’ve prayed, as much as I’ve pleaded and begged, I don’t see myself going back to work short of a miracle.

Speaking of miracles, I know I have told you I love my job! Here is the miracle; I’m having my heart changed about staying home with Monkey. It isn’t what I would have chosen. I must face the facts even though it’s painful to admit; it’s easier to let someone else deal with the behavioral problems and the day to day issues that arise with Monkey. Work was my escape, work was my excuse, and work was how I defined myself. Take away work and what do I have left? Who am I?

These are the questions I will be facing in the very near future. I believe this is what God wants me to work on right now.  He wants me to find myself in Him, to be hidden under the shadow of His wing, taking Monkey under the shadow of the wings of my Father with me and teaching her about Jesus and His love. No longer will I delegate that responsibility.  I have a new purpose. I'm exploring options that previously were not open to me, looking in places that were once off limits because I couldn't get off work. There are doors that will open, there are paths to be taken, and this is a great adventure!