A New Beginning...

This is the 4th installment of a series I'm writing about being found by the child I placed for adoption. If you missed the previous entries you can check them out here, Entry One, Entry Two and Entry Three.

As we talk on the phone and text I see the similarities between us. There is no mistaking it, she is my daughter. We share more than just hair color and fair skin, we are alike in so many ways it floors me. She is amazing in every way to me. I feel like I’ve known her all along which is strange because we’re just getting to know each other and there is much about her I’ve yet to discover. I wonder if she feels the same about me?

From the very beginning when she found me she expressed an interest in meeting in person. I am so relieved by this. For years when I would daydream about what it would be like to be found I had the fear that it would only be to find out what her medical history was and that would be all. When she actually did find me the reality of it was something I never dared to let myself imagine. She wants us to be a part of her life. She wants to be part of our lives. Sometimes I can’t believe how incredibly blessed I am. This feels like a miracle.

We have planned a trip to meet not only her and her husband, but the wonderful people who raised her. How amazing is that? Such love and selflessness has surrounded this child as she grew, I can hardly wait to meet the people who raised her. They must be amazing too. In 8 days, just slightly over a week, Monkey and I will load up and drive down to see her! The anticipation I feel is so intense sometimes I find myself just tapping my foot anxiously as if that will speed up time. This is not just a trip, it's the beginning of a journey she and I will take together.

And while there is the anticipation and joy, I'm a little nervous about it as well. I pray that she will like me. I pray that Monkey will do well on the trip. I pray that any fear and nervousness felt on the part of her and her family will be eased. I pray...

This is a new beginning…

Contact...

This blog entry is part 3 of a series. If you missed Part One or Part Two you can check them out so this makes sense.

 

It was a normal Friday in January. I was just working. Little did I know my entire life was about to change.The email was hidden among tons of spam in an account I rarely used. I was checking for a shipping notice. There it was. My breath caught. My heart skipped a LOT of beats. I burst into tears. Her name was in the subject line. When I opened it I read the following…

Hello,

I was born Becca Christine ___ in ___ 1987 in _____ AL. I am doing research on my family history. The name Margie Ann ___ has come up in some records. I am curious if you may be able to provide me with any information. If you can help me in any way, I would love to hear from you. If not, please disregard this email, and I apologize for taking your time. Thank you.

___

The first thing I did was check my clock. It was 12:11pm.  This was in the 12-12:30 window I have to call my husband at lunch, so I called him. We both cried. He asked what I had done and I said, “I called you!!!” We talked briefly and I replied to the email.

Hello _____

I would be happy to speak with you. My cell is ___-___-____. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ann

She called at 12:32pm. We talked for 2 hours. We cried, we laughed, and she told me she loved me. That is the thing. She loved me, she LOVES me.

My fears were washed away and I was filled with a peace I’ve never experienced before. This child I loved so dearly, completely, she loved me too. I’m so filled with gratitude to her parents. They told her that I loved her. The letter had been lost in a move but they made sure that she knew she was loved by me. They made certain she was secure in who she was and who she is in Christ. They did what I couldn’t; they raised her to be an amazing woman.

We’ve talked or texted every day since. I look forward to seeing her name on my phone. I look at her pictures and can hardly believe it’s real. It’s like a dream I’m having that is so good I’m afraid I’ll wake up and find it was only a beautiful dream. But each morning I wake and she is still really a part of my life. I feel complete now. Have you ever had an ache or pain that was there for such a long time you become accustomed to it? Then the pain is suddenly gone and the relief is overwhelming. That is the only way I can describe this feeling. I walked around for 25 years with a hole in my heart and now it’s filled.

Good bye is not forever...

This is the second installment of the blogs I'm writing about the child I had as a teenager and put up for adoption. To read the first in the series you can follow this link.

When the day came for Becca Christine to make her grand debut it was bittersweet. The nurses weren’t exactly kind after they heard I was giving Becca Christine to another family. They discouraged me from holding her and didn’t want to even allow me to see her but knowing that my time with her was extremely short I soaked her in. This child was mine for a few days, I counted her fingers and toes the same way all moms do, I kept her with me as long as I could and I memorized her little face. The way she would suck her bottom lip in when she was ready for her bottle, the way she would yawn sleepily after she burped and was ready to nap, how impossibly  light blond her hair was, her eyebrows almost invisible from the fairness of them, the weight of her in my arms. Beautiful. Perfect. Heartbreaking. But much like Hannah had promised Samuel to God, I’d promised God to give Becca Christine to the family we’d chosen and trust that He would protect her. Words cannot describe the pain of saying goodbye to this child I loved so completely. I handed her to the social worker, wrapped in the blanket I made for her, along with the letter I wrote to her explaining why I did what I did and telling her I hoped one day she’d find me.

Soon after that I had to meet with her father to sign the papers. I hoped against hope that he would change his mind when I showed him her picture. But as I have come to learn in life, you don’t always get what you want. I never saw her father after that day. I have no idea what happened to him. He left town and no one ever heard from him again. I wonder if he hurt as badly as I did…I hope not. I loved him. This was about 6 weeks after she was born. Alabama gives the birth parents 6 weeks to change their mind. I went to court and finalized the adoption.

Utter despair set in. Although I knew that she was fine, she was loved, she would have everything I couldn’t give her, I felt guilt about it. Then I felt shame. When I went home no one wanted to talked about her. No one wanted to hear me speak of how perfect she was or how much I missed her. I was told that if I just put it out of my mind the pain would go away. They were wrong. The pain just shifted from a piercing sharp pain in my chest to a dull ache in my entire being. It didn’t go away. I did stop talking about her. But I never stopped thinking about her. I’d see a blond girl with a brunette mother and my heart would clench, was it her? I’ve lived that for 25 years. All the questions that resurfaced…Did she know she was adopted? Does she know how much I love her? Does she blame me as being selfish? Did she think I gave her up easily? Did she know I agonized over it?

The guilt and shame I felt for giving her up persisted. There is a stigma I suppose to giving one’s child to another to raise. I experienced it with some of the nurses at the hospital. It reinforced those feeling. Once at a conference I opened up to someone about giving her up for adoption. It wasn’t easy bearing my soul to anyone. I was trying to comfort this woman who couldn’t have children and reassure her that there are babies for her to love, don’t give up. She accused me of being selfish and a horrible excuse of a mother. I didn’t talk about it again for a very long time. Still, wherever I went I wondered about her, prayed for her, her mother and father, brother, the man she’d eventually marry, I wanted her to have all of God’s blessings on her life.

Over the years young women who find themselves “in trouble” have made their way to my doorstep. Strange how this happens since I was never really open about what happened with us. I always counsel them to consider this; their temporary “inconvenience” isn’t worth stealing the entire life from someone else. There is someone out there who shares my DNA that is prayerfully living a good life, blessing others, making a difference in this world because I chose to give her life. Even though ending that life would have been a “quick fix” for me, it would have ended someone’s entire future and I would never have the hope of a reunion one day. I’m so grateful to say that because of the road I’ve walked others have made a choice for life and there are some beautiful children out there who are living God’s plan for them. So, I’m thankful for the tears. They were the water that grew the seeds that developed into a small ministry for unwed mothers.

As the years went by and Becca Christine turned 18, 19, 20,  I thought I was prepared for the possibility that she might find me. I wouldn’t try to find her. I didn’t want to cause her any pain. But I wanted desperately to be found. I made sure that my entire maiden name was on my facebook account so I was easily located. It was on January 11, 2013 when I just happened to check the email for my fb account (I no longer use it because of all the spam). I hadn’t checked it for weeks. On the first page of the account there was message titled, Becca Christine…

Decisions

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story that is true; it is part of my story. I haven’t told many people about it because it is full of pain, guilt, tears and shame. It is also full of hope, sacrifice and love. I pray God uses this story to touch your heart in some way.

It was the most agonizing decision I had ever faced. The pregnancy test was positive. Instantly, I fell in love with this life living inside me but I was just a teenager. Things weren’t “ideal”. I didn’t know what to do so I went to tell my boyfriend the news. I’d hoped he’d be happy. I’d hoped, secretly, deep down that he would say, “Marry me.” And we’d get married, have this baby and live happily ever after. That didn’t happen. I was given a choice. Keep him or keep the life inside me. This is the story of the choices I made.

When I was just a little girl I had some bad things happen to me. I’ve written about that before. Here is the  link to that entry. It’s not really central to this story except to note that the person I wrote about lived not too far from my parents home so living there was not an option. I really didn’t have many options. I hadn’t finished my education so there were no means to support the child financially; I lived not far from a dangerous man that preyed on innocent children.  As the months passed, my stomach swelled, it became painfully clear a decision needed to be reached. This child, daughter they told me, deserved to be safe, happy, safe, loved, safe, provided for in ways I was unable to do, because in many ways I was still a child myself.

I began to pray for this girl, I called her Becca Christine, and I prayed for her to have the kind of life I had not had the opportunity to have. Not that my life is bad, in retrospect, I made poor choices, had some choices made for me, and still God has worked them out just like He promises in Romans 8:28. But the life that was growing inside me was special. I couldn’t take any chances that she’d become the victim of someone else’s selfishness. Including my own.

I came to the decision that what was best for her was to be given up for adoption. As I looked into the whole adoption process I realized choosing the family for my precious angel would be much harder than I imagined. So many of them, wonderful, young couples, desperate for a child, had no other children. And as I thought of my big sister who was my defender while growing up, my confidant, my best friend, a thought was formed inside me. Becca Christine would need a sibling. I didn’t want her to be lonely. I couldn’t imagine being an only child so I couldn’t imagine it for her.

I moved to Prattville, AL and enlisted the services of Agape, a Christian crisis pregnancy/adoption center. They helped me through the pregnancy and provided a place for me to stay. They were wonderful. Never pressuring me to choose either way, just there for me, praying for me and being supportive. They came to the home where I was staying and brought piles of folders. I looked through the stacks of prospective parents and they pretty much looked the same, until one popped out to me. They had a child already. A boy, 5 years old, and I felt a nudging from God that this was the family for her. She’d have a big brother. And from how I viewed things she wouldn’t be a practice child for a couple who’d never had one and she’d have a big brother to look out for her.  The decision was made. 

Looking back 25 years from where I stand today I have one emotion that stands out from the others. Thankfulness. I'm thankful for the good decision God led me to make. I'm thankful for the good family that raised my beautiful child. I'm thankful I survived the pain to be made whole.

Monkey's Colorblind!

This weekend we took my dear husband to his brother’s house to catch ducks about an hour away from home. While we were there, Monkey and I needed to find something to occupy ourselves so we decided the best use of our time would be to go shopping. We found a store I used to frequent when I was a child in Mississippi growing up, Roses.

I loved Roses as a child; it seemed like a huge department store where we could afford everything! This Roses had tiny cramped isles, wasn’t much larger than a big Dollar Store and I realized it was probably about the same as the Roses of my youth J

Monkey, however, thought it was a marvelous store indeed! Worthy of spending at least an hour, perhaps more! Each isle brought new wonders and then we reached the toy isles. She oohed and aahed over all the toys. None were no-no’s because of price. Everything was within her reach! It was almost too much for her to comprehend! We spent half of our time at Roses in the 5 isles of toys deciding upon which toy would be the perfect one. And then she saw it…well, she saw her. A beautiful baby doll. Not just any baby doll, this baby doll was the only baby doll of African American descent. It was decided. She was the newest member of our family.

We moved on to the next section of Roses; house wares.  I’m not certain if I’ve told you of Monkey’s affinity for “Floor Petting” but Roses has carpet! We were petting floors when suddenly Monkey spotted a woman whom she must have thought she knew. Immediately she began the incessant waving and shouting, “HI! HI!” This didn’t stop until the woman turned and acknowledged her. A big grin crossed her face as Monkey raced across the small isle with her knock-kneed gait and holding a box containing her newest treasure. “I have a baby!”, and she held it up with pride for the woman to see. This woman, whose features resembled the baby we now call Roses Baby, looked at the baby and got a look of shock on her face as she looked at me. Monkey walked back to the cart oblivious to the differences between her and her new baby. I said, “She doesn’t see color.” Monkey’s new friend said, “She must be such a blessing to you.”

Wow! She said a mouthful there, didn’t she? My little girl is certainly that. She is more than just a blessing to me though. She is a blessing to many. As we wandered the isles of the Roses during the remaining time before our departure we ran into the lady once again. She pressed a dollar bill into Monkey’s hand and insisted she take it, “to help pay for her baby”.  Her eyes had tears in them. She was genuinely touched by the innocent love of my daughter.

Monkey is 11 years old and yet she has taught me many things in her short little life. God has used her to show me so much and not just me; He’s used her to teach many people many things. On this day, He used her to teach this lesson.

All of us are created in His image and we should all be colorblind. Not respecters of people.

“My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don’t show favoritism.” James 2:1 NIV

Winds of Change

Sometimes it seems that change comes quicker than I can keep up with. This past year has been so full of change that if you had told me in the beginning of 2010 what my world would look like today I would have been completely shocked. And yet the changes have come and we have endured the storms and they have made us stronger.

Romans 8:28 is true. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

This new change is one that is both an end and a beginning. I stood at the end of a long relationship today and said some very difficult goodbyes. God has called us to move on from the Church we’ve been in since 1998. That is a very long time. There are people there we love dearly. But I know that we will have all eternity with them and loving them is not a good reason to be disobedient to Jesus. He must have a good reason to call us from there so we will go.

Tonight I am a little mournful because it feels more like the end than the beginning but I know deep in my heart that truly this is more the beginning than the end. We’re following the leading of the Spirit of God and how can that be wrong? The mournful feeling is just my flesh. When I pray about it I become excited because I know that our Father has new and wonderful things for our family. I’m asking God for wisdom and knowledge as we follow His leading.

“And He changes the times and the seasons; He removes kings and raises up kings; He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding.” Daniel 2:21

I’ll keep you up to date on our adventure as we look for our new Church home. I ask that you would pray for us as we go on our journey.

Here we stand, at the beginning and not the end…

Keeping Up With The Kardashian's Part Deux

Yesterday I wrote about comparing ourselves and coveting what others have. Today I’d like to continue exploring the world of the Kardashians and look at other reasons why we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others.

To start it’s really very simple. For women who look at the standards that the world holds up on the TV and Fashion Magazines and tries to meet them; We will fail miserably or we might abuse our bodies trying to meet these standards for a while but they are unrealistic. And then we’ll feel badly because we aren’t thin enough, or pretty enough, or tall enough, and our skin isn’t clear enough. Our husbands will watch television and see women in their 20’s who have perfect bodies and women in their 40’s who look like they’re in their 20’s due to surgery and airbrushing and I know I can’t compete with that! I’ve noticed there will always be something that ISN’T ENOUGH. 

For the men, your muscles will never be big enough; you won’t be strong enough; your masculinity will never be quite manly enough.

These are LIES straight from the pits of HELL to keep us from focusing on who we really are in Christ Jesus! The Bible says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14 NIV.

When we compare ourselves to others and become depressed because God made us the way He chose to make us it’s a slap in HIS face. Think about that. Do you really want to be slapping your Maker in the face? Let’s stop slapping our Creator and start focusing on what He created us to do.

We should also not conform ourselves to others expectations. People are just that, people, and people, even Christians aren’t perfect. Is there someone in your life who is always telling you about your inadequacy? I’m going to tell you a little secret about criticism. The only criticism that is ever constructive is that which is told in love and is meant to build you up. It is only told face to face and NEVER behind your back.

Romans 14:10-13 AMP “Why do you criticize and pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you look down upon or despise your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of God. For it is written, As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to Me, and every tongue shall confess to God. And so each of us shall give an account of himself to God. Then let us no more criticize and blame and pass judgment on one another, but rather decide and endeavor never to put a stumbling block or an obstacle or a hindrance in the way of a brother.”

There is a promise in Isaiah 26:3 NKJV “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.”So, if you are someone who has been listening to other people as they try to conform you to their expectations, take heart, this promise is for you. Keep your mind on Him and He will keep you in perfect peace. And if you’re one of the people who has a critical spirit, and we have to be realistic, we all do sometimes, well, when we keep our mind on God and not on someone else THEN He’ll keep us in perfect peace too.

So now let’s turn our focus on what God has for us. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10 NIV

Think about that, He created us and He prepared the works for us to do in advance. They’re just waiting for us to do them. Let’s not become distracted by comparing ourselves to each other because if we don’t do the good works He has prepared for us to do either they don’t get done or He’ll find someone else to do them instead.

We can sugar coat it all we want but these scriptures have clearly told us not to do it, don’t compare ourselves in any way to anyone else. To do so is sin. Are you guilty of comparing yourself to others? Have you coveted others belongings? Have you looked at others gifting and wished they were your own? Have you looked at others ministries and thought, why doesn’t God use me like that? Do you look at others families and think they have less problems than your own? Or are you feeling puffed up with pride because your child is on the honor roll and your neighbor’s child is on drugs?

If you’re struggling with this don’t say I shouldn’t be struggling with this, confess it as sin and ask the Holy Spirit to help you overcome this, because face it, we can’t produce fruit on our own. There’s nothing righteous in us, without the Holy Spirit we’re hopeless but we have HIM living in us and He has promised to never leave or forsake us. He has also promised “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 So, let’s walk in the good works that God has prepared for us, living the abundant life that Jesus died to give us, and stop comparing ourselves to others.